MAN RAPED BY HOOKER!

LAS  VEGAS –  A college student is suing a Las Vegas Escort agency after he was forced to have sex with a hooker he paid for.

Hubert Blackman of New York wants his $275 back, and is suing Las Vegas Exclusive Personals for $1.8 million dollars because the prostitute he paid for performed a sex act on him.

He was traumatized by the distress caused by the “tragic event.”

The most surprising part of the whole story is that the Escort turned out to be none other than Eliot Spitzer’s favorite call girl, Ashley Dupre.

Blackman was vacationing in Vegas in December when he ordered a stripper to come to his hotel room. Ashley Dupre, who has had a hard time putting her life together after the Spitzer scandal, was working for the Escort agency and arrived at Blackman’s room – and immediately got down to business.

Dupre performed a $155 lap dance and then $120 sex act.  Blackman was shocked that she performed the sex act on him – even though he paid for it.

Dupre left right after the sex act.  Blackman couldn’t get to sleep at all – he was a wreck.

The next morning, he called Las Vegas Exclusive Personals to demand his money back, saying he was dissatisfied because Dupre didn’t stay for the promised one hour, didn’t “cuddle me” and “violated me” by raping me.

“I just wanted a lap dance and she… went all the way with me.  I was raped!’

Blackman also told the company he was incapable of making an informed agreement with the stripper because he was drunk at the time.  “She took advantage of my hot, young body and had her way with me, and then made me pay her for doing it.”

“I was raped and robbed,” Blackman said.

When the company refused to refund Blackman’s money, he called the cops, who threatened to bust him for prostitution and asked for Dupre’s phone number.  “We want to be raped, too,”  said Las Vegas Police Captain John Girardi.

Blackman said he knew prostitution was illegal in Vegas and would never have consented to having sex with a prostitute, no matter how much he paid her.

What happens in Vegas….


MICHELLE OBAMA PREGNANT!

WASHINGTON –  The White House announced today that Michelle Obama is pregnant with the couple’s third child.

“Michelle Obama is pregnant,”  White House sources said.  Outgoing White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, told reporters today that he would not confirm or deny the rumor.   But WWN has confirmed that Michelle Obama is about two months into her pregnancy and the President and First Lady expect to have the baby sometime in late July, 2011.

There was a great deal of mystery about the whereabouts of the President and First Lady on Election Night this year.   There were many rumors about where they might be –  but now we know.  The happy couple was spending quality time together, making a new baby.

The last time a baby was born in the White House was Patrick Bouvier Kennedy.  He was born on August 7, 1963 and only lived two days. Patrick was the youngest child of President John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy and brother to Caroline Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.

The President and First Lady are “ecstatic” about the news of a new baby.    Michelle Obama, 46,  and Barack Obama, 49,  waited almost seven years before having children.  Their first daughter, Malia Ann Obama was born on July 4, 1999 and Natasha (often called “Sasha”)was born two years later on June 10, 2001.

It is too early to determine if the baby is a boy or a girl, but David Axelrod, the President’s Senior Adviser, said that the President is hoping to have a boy.

President Obama turns 50 on August 4th of this year, and there is a chance that the baby will be born on his birthday.


KIM KARDASHIAN’S BUTT EXPLODES

LAS VEGAS –   Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas.  Her left butt cheek exploded.

Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence.  When implant fly above this altitude they have been known  to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian.  As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt.  She was sitting next to the new man in her life, Miles Austin, the 25-year-old Dallas wide receiver (whose been doing just that with Kim).

The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag.  Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport.  Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway. Her sisters, Khloe and Kourtney and mother, Kris, all rushed to the hospital to be with Kim.  Luckily they were all nearby at their new boutique at the Mirage, Kardashian Khaos.

There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant.  “We’ve had a few cases like this before.  It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.”    Austin was the first one to slap Kim’s new left cheek.  “It felt good.”  He said.

Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery.  Austin, on the other hand, feels that this tragic accident was not due to Implant Altitude Syndrome (IAS), but instead was something more nefarious.  “Reggie Bush is behind this.”  Austin said.  “He wants to get back at Kim for dumping him, but it’s not gonna work.  She’s mine now. All of her.  Both cheeks.”  When WWN asked Austin how he thinks Bush planted the butt IED, Austin said, “Reggie’s always been a sneaking guy.  Remember the Bush Push?  Well, somehow he snuck into the hotel we were staying at in New Jersey, knocked us out with rufies or something and then injected some explosive serum into her left butt cheek.  They he paid off the pilots and had them fly too high. The man is sick jealous!”

When Bush was asked about Austin’s accusations he said, “What?  He better watch his mouth. I’ll blow up his ass next!”

Doctors advise all women with butt implants to speak with their plastic surgeon before boarding another plane.  “You don’t want to be in that mile-high club,”  Dr. John Malley said.

Even with this explosive new information, there are STILL some who refuse to believe Kim has (or had) butt implants.  In an effort to help our readers decide for themselves, we’ve included some pictures for you to examine.  Study them carefully and let us know what you think.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E :  Why not.



BRITISH ACCENT NO LONGER SEXY, STUDY FINDS

PALO ALTO, CA – A new study out of Stanford University reveals that the British accent is no longer considered a positive trait when choosing a sexual partner.

In a comprehensive new research study conducted jointly by the Department of Linguistics and the Department of Psychology at Stanford University, three thousand American men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents.  Each subject participating in The Comito Study was put in a mood-enhanced room (low-lighting, soft music), then they were played samples of native speakers reciting simple phrase in English (i.e. “would you like to have dinner?” you look beautiful,” “let’s stroll in the park,” etc.).  Subjects also heard several regional accents:  New York, New Jersey, Midwest, Southern, Texas, and California. Electrodes attached to the subject monitored sexual arousal.

The results of The Comito Study surprised researchers. Women and men have always been aroused by French and Italian accents, and women have always seemed to go “weak in the knees” over British accents. No more. While the romance languages account for the majority of accents that attract the opposite sex, the British accent is slowly losing its sex appeal.  “Women today seem unimpressed with the British accent.  They are more attracted to accents of the more hot-bloodied counties – Spain, Brazil, Greece.”

Here are the results of The Comito Study.  The top 15 accents that caused sexual arousal in subjects:

FOR MEN

  1. Italian
  2. Fraench
  3. Spanish
  4. Southern
  5. Greek
  6. Irish
  7. Russian
  8. Australian
  9. Canadian
  10. Chinese
  11. Swedish
  12. Jamaican
  13. New Jersey
  14. British
  15. Dutch

FOR WOMEN

  1. Italian
  2. Spanish
  3. French
  4. Greek
  5. Irish
  6. Dutch
  7. Swedish
  8. South African
  9. Australian
  10. Russian
  11. Canadian
  12. Cuban
  13. Southern
  14. Hungarian
  15. British

Men are slightly more attracted to the British accent than women, but that may be because TV producers regularly give the hot, female lead to British actresses. One researcher,  psycchologist  Jacob Vizmans speculated that it may because American men are just growing tired of American women.  His female research partners strongly disagreed with his comments and had him fired from The Comito Study.

One of the Comito researchers, Dr. Linda Masterson said, “For decades British men have been coming to America with the idea that women will just drop their skirts when they hear their accent, and for decades it worked.  But now, American women are turned-off by the accent.”   One subject wrote this on their data form, “I used to like British accents because I used to think of Jude Law and James Bond, but now when I here it all I think of is bad teeth and oil spills.  Ewww.”   Even though the study was conducted in May of this year, researchers with the Comito Project say that the BP oil spill did not affect the findings.

Dr. Masterson, who is married to a Jamaican set designer said, “The fact is that British accents have become… a bore.”

In general, subjects felt that if you had an accent your chances of having sex were better than if you didn’t.  That word spread quickly on campus and since the study was released, there appears to be a lot more men at the bar with Italian accents.  Hmmm….

The Comito Study is now expanding its research to Europe.  They want to see how effective an American accent is in creating sexual arousal in Europeans.  “It’s not going to be easy, Europeans don’t always respond to an American accent with arousal.”  We look forward to the results.


CAPTURED DOLPHIN HAS HUMAN ARMS

TOKYO – Fisherman who were carrying out their annual dolphin hunt captured a dolphin that had human arms!

Fishermen at the Japanese town made famous by the controversial Oscar-winning documentary “The Cove” shrugged off protests by animal rights activists on Tuesday to carry out their annual dolphin hunt.

They were shocked with one of the first dolphin’s that they captured — it  had human arms!!

Japanese broadcaster TBS said the first hunt of the season in the town of Taiji took place on Tuesday, without mentioning how many dolphins were involved.

They said 14 dolphins were killed, while another six — mothers and calves — were spared, at least temporarily.  There was no news as to whether the dolphin with human arms (nicknamed Luka) was killed.

Western activists were chanting, “Mama dolphin, baby dolphin. No!” at the time Luka was discovered.  Actually, the activists were the first to notice because Luka started clapping along to the chant – using his human hands.

“It was incredible.  The Japanese fishermen pulled Luka into the boat and he punched a few of them with his human fist,”  said Rainbow Williams, an activist from San Francisco.  “Luka has a strong punch and I think he knocked out two or three fisherman with his punches.”

It became something of a brawl between the quick-jabbing dolphin and the Japanese fishermen.  But they eventually threw a net over Luka’s head and subdued him with a tranquilizing dart.

Activists tried to get involved in the fray but the Japanese fishermen held them off with gunshots over their heads.

What will the Japanese fisherman do with Luka?

“We will be bringing Luka to a marine biology research center in Osaka.  We will keep him safe and study him there.”

“Bullshit!!  They are going to kill him,” said Williams.  “We need to free Luka.  Free Luka!  Free Luka!”  There are hundreds of protesters outside the research facility waiting for the Japanese to release Luka – but it doesn’t seem like it will be happening anytime soon.

Japan has long maintained that killing dolphins is not banned under any international treaty and that the animals are not endangered, adding that dolphins need to be culled to protect fishing grounds.

Free Luka!!!


TIGER BACK WITH ELIN

ORLANDO – The Saga of Tiger and Elin gets weirder.    Exactly one year after the “incident”,  they are getting back together.

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren’s marriage has had many twists and turns.  But even their divorce attorneys were shocked to learn that they were recently spotted kissing while out in their Orlando neighborhood.

There are rumors that Elin has agreed to move back in with her cheating husband.  And the reconciled spouses are not being bashful about showing their love for one another.

An eyewitness, Janet Thompon, told reporters, “They were hugging and they were kissing right out in the open. Elin is certainly a lot more relaxed these days and so is he.”

Another inside source added “People in the neighborhood are getting used to seeing them together again. Perhaps they’ll make it after all.”

Photo taken November 24, 2010

A little Tiger-Elin history.

Elin and Tiger met in 2001 at the British Open at Royal Lytham in England. Elin was working as an au pair to Jesper Parnevik, a Swedish golfer. On November 25, 2003, Tiger (27) proposed to Elin (23) in the South African Shamwari Game Reserve while they were on a romantic walk at sunset. They were there for a safari vacation and slept under the stars after the Presidents Cup.

On October 5, 2004 they were married. The ceremony itself was simple although the rest of the wedding preparations were elaborate and expensive. 500 red roses were imported for the wedding.

Their sunset wedding was held under a white-netted pagoda decorated with red roses on the 19th hole of the Sandy Lane Golf Resort in Barbados. Reportedly, Rev. Ricky Kirton was the officiant at their wedding. The exclusive resort is located on the west coast of the Caribbean locale. The wedding reportedly cost between $1.5 million — $2 million.

November 27 , 2009. Woods suffers facial lacerations in a car crash outside his Florida home after colliding with a fire hydrant and a tree.November 29 . Woods issues statement taking full blame for crash, lashes out at rumors of domestic disturbance. “I’m human and I’m not perfect. Many false and malicious rumors circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.” 

December  2-20.   A number of women come forward with claims of flings with Woods, including a porn star and a waitress. At least 10 women allegedly linked to Woods.

February1 19, 2010. Woods makes first appearance since the scandal broke, apologizing for “selfish and irresponsible” behavior in a statement televised around the world.

On August 23, 2010 Tiger and Elin are officially divorced.  Exactly one month later, it appears they are together again.

They have two children:   Sam Alexis Woods: Born 2007 and  Charlie Axel Woods: Born 2009.

Maybe he realized he’s not going to do much better than the beautiful Elin:


FARTING MAKES BOYS SMARTER

WASHINGTON – The Center for Education Policy has released the results of a study that proves conclusively that farting raises IQ levels in boys.

Boys have lagged behind girls in school for 20 years. Jerry Jefferson, The Director of the Center for Education Policy, said that “alarm bells” went off and the Center decided to explore every aspect of boys’ lives “to see what could possibly increase their IQ and their interest in school.” The answer: farting.

“”Books suck,” said Matt Kingston, a 12-year-old who only reads what he has to for school. “All boys know that.”  He then popped off a nuclear fart, which impressed his parents and teachers alike.  Grossology expert, Amelia Yunker of Farmington Hills, Michigan said that “the only way to get boys to learn these days is to talk to them in Fart-ese.” Yunker recently hosted a Fart Party that also included an armpit noise competition.  “If we can get the boys farting and belching, we can get their math and reading scores up,”  Yunker said.

Jerry Jefferson said “we are also getting boys to read by releasing books in the Fart Lit genre.” Recently the self-published book, “SweetFarts” by Raymond Bean is a big hit in New York City, where kids simply like to read about farts.  SweetFarts  chronicles a 9-year-old boy’s multimillion-dollar science fair invention of tablets that can change foul-smelling gas into the culprit’s scent of choice: summer rose, cotton candy, grape — even pickles, as requested by his little sister. It climbed to No. 3 on Amazon in children’s humor in October on little more than word of mouth. The sequel, “Sweet Farts: Rippin’ it Old-School,” to be released next month”

Boys outside New York City don’t like to read about farting, they like to do it, and that makes all the difference.  “Reading about farting has some benefits, but if you are actually out there farting all day, that’s what really helps the boys.”  Boys across America are now being encouraged to fart as much as they can, wherever they can and to tell as many fart jokes as possible.

“It may get loud, it may get smelly,  but the education of our American boys is at stake.  I think we can finally get American boys on par with Chinese boys,”  Jefferson said.  “Parents must take this seriously. Teach your boys to fart!”

The Department of Education has released these instructions for boys to practice their farting:

How to fart on command:
1)  Get a pillow and a soft surface.
2)  Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways.
3)  Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anus.
4)  Once you’re relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation…this is air traveling into your colon.
5)  Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down.
6)  Force the air back out… Fart!

Specific farts have been targeted for academic excellence. The Department of Education recommends that boys master these farts for these academic disciplines.

SILENT BUT DEADLY –  FOR FUTURE POLITICIANS
This fart is totally inaudible, yet causes major damage. Good for boys interested in politics..

EGGY FART – FOR FUTURE SCIENTISTS
Smells very much like rotten eggs (hydrogen sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to knock people out.

NIKE FART – FOR FUTURE STUDENT-ATHLETES
This sort of fart which goes “whoosh,” and is more felt than heard.  A little like an SBD, but louder and less toxic.

GROWLING FART – FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day.

THE IS-IT-A-FART FART – FOR FUTURE PSYCHOLOGISTS
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. Then, it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants  Is it a fart or not?

COMPOST FART – FOR FUTURE BOTANISTS
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

BEEFY ONE – FOR FUTURE LAWYERS
Loud, big, bold. Smells like an infected cow and or a mound of diseased dog-turd.

SQUEAKY FART – FOR FUTURE ACCOUNTANTS
Sounds like ‘Wheeek’.  It’s weak, but deadly.

THE EARTHQUAKE FART – FOR FUTURE GEOLOGISTS
Sends seismic ripples across the city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart hurts and anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

THE ESCAPE POD FART  – FOR FUTURE ASTRONAUTS
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs, but smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, everyone starts to cough and splutter.

HYDRATED FLATULATION – FOR FUTURE MARINE BIOLOGISTS
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this one, but you feel right at home in it.

GUNSHOT FART – FOR FUTURE MILITARY OFFICERS
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. Tough. Strong and exceedingly rare.

So boys, go out there and… let it rip!!