MICHELLE OBAMA PREGNANT!

WASHINGTON –  The White House announced today that Michelle Obama is pregnant with the couple’s third child.

“Michelle Obama is pregnant,”  White House sources said.  Outgoing White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, told reporters today that he would not confirm or deny the rumor.   But WWN has confirmed that Michelle Obama is about two months into her pregnancy and the President and First Lady expect to have the baby sometime in late July, 2011.

There was a great deal of mystery about the whereabouts of the President and First Lady on Election Night this year.   There were many rumors about where they might be –  but now we know.  The happy couple was spending quality time together, making a new baby.

The last time a baby was born in the White House was Patrick Bouvier Kennedy.  He was born on August 7, 1963 and only lived two days. Patrick was the youngest child of President John F. Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy and brother to Caroline Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr.

The President and First Lady are “ecstatic” about the news of a new baby.    Michelle Obama, 46,  and Barack Obama, 49,  waited almost seven years before having children.  Their first daughter, Malia Ann Obama was born on July 4, 1999 and Natasha (often called “Sasha”)was born two years later on June 10, 2001.

It is too early to determine if the baby is a boy or a girl, but David Axelrod, the President’s Senior Adviser, said that the President is hoping to have a boy.

President Obama turns 50 on August 4th of this year, and there is a chance that the baby will be born on his birthday.


OVAL OFFICE MAKEOVER

WASHINGTON, DC –  President Obama decided the Oval Office needed a major “change.”

The Oval Office Makeover is done.   The new comfy atmosphere is complete with an Oval Office bed, pictures of the President’s favorite musicians and golf clubs.  The President is very pleased with the redesign. Every president makes some small, insignificant changes to the oval office, but President Obama elected to go for a full makeover.  Some changes were made a few short hours before he delivered his speech on the policies that affect the war in Iraq, but that was only the beginning.

After the speech, the makeover crew really went to town.  ABC’s Ty Pennington, the host of Extreme Home Makeover, went into The White House with twenty day-workers he picked up from Home Depot and did a quick one-hour remodel.  “The President wanted a more casual atmosphere to work in.  A queen-sized bed was just the thing he needed. This way he could think about world affairs from behind his desk or on his 1,ooo thread count sheets.  It’s a bed worthy of a king.”

White House staffers quickly dispelled rumors that President Obama wanted to follow in Bill Clinton’s footsteps and do a little “hanky-panky” in the Oval Office.  “President Obama is devoted to Michelle.  He just wants to be able to nap during the long day and he also thought it’d be fun to have staff meetings on the bed.  He feels his advisors will be more open and honest with him if they were all sitting on a bed,” said Valerie Jarrett, Senior Advisor to the President, from the Oval Office bed.

Interior Designer, Daniel Kucan,  explained the new Oval Office artwork.  “President Obama was sick of looking at dead white guys on the walls.  Dionne Warwick is a favorite of the President, so her picture was essential.  And we have the Earth, Wind and Fire logo – which is President Obama’s favorite band.  It really puts him in a good mood.”

Some White House reporters questioned why President Obama put the crescent moon, the Islamic symbol on the wall.  “The President has said repeatedly that America is one of the largest Muslim nations in the world and he feels it is only right to put the crescent moon on the wall.  There is also a cross on the wall,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  Many reporters looked hard, but couldn’t find the cross.  “It’s right there, underneath Dionne’s armpit. Can’t you see it?”  Gibbs said.

Rahm Emanuel explained why the President needed golf clubs in The White House. “The man loves golf.  And if he feels like putting around during the day, he should putt.  It really bothered him that his daughter beat him in miniature golf.  He wants to improve his game.”

Everybody has an opinion about the new Oval Office design.  But it doesn’t matter – what’s done is done.  President Obama plans to enjoy the Oval Office for another six years and he hopes when the next President takes over (in 2017), he (or she) will enjoy the Oval Office bed as well.

Here’s a little Dionne for you.   It’ll get you in that Oval Office mood.


THE NORTH KOREAN EGG CRISIS

PYONGYANG – The Defense Department has learned that North Korea is behind the tainted eggs found in American grocery stores.

Military analysts and State Department officials have determined that North Korean is responsible for tainted eggs found all across American.  Kim Jong-il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,  confirmed this when he said, “We will destroy your eggs and then we will come after your chickens.  Or maybe the chickens will come first. We don’t know.  But either way, we win and you lose.!”

A massive egg recall has had consumers scrambling to check their pantries for eggs that might be contaminated with salmonella. Even though the FDA recalled 228 million eggs produced in Galt, Iowa  (and distributed to wholesalers and food service companies nationwide), it felt that there was something more sinister going on with the eggs.

“We knew there was something funny going on when we noticed that the eggs had little Korean flags printed on them.”  Farmers in Iowa can’t explain how the North Koreans got the eggs into their facilities, but one farmer, Ned Woolfe said, “I told my wife I saw a battalion of Korean army soldiers in the barn, but she didn’t believe me.  She never believes me.”

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton made an announcement today, “North Korea has violated our Egg Space.  We condemn these actions and ask that the North Koreans immediately withdraw their eggs.”  Asked how she thought the North Koreans could take their eggs back, Clinton said, “That’s their problem.  All I know is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

The North Koreans aren’t backing down and are now threatening to expand their attack on American ovoids.  “They are not satisfied with simply spoiling our eggs, they are now going after our egg whites as well.  “We’ve found traces of salmonella in cartons of Egg Beaters,” said FDA chief, Fritz Barnkopf.

The White House Staff has gathered in gathered into the Oval Office to war game the North Korean Egg Crisis, but David Axelrod said they hadn’t reached any conclusion. “They only thing we’ve decided conclusively is that it’s really hard to war game when the President is up in Martha’s Vineyard golfing and reading.”  Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President is being briefed hourly about The North Korean Egg Crisis and said the President has taken swift action already.  “He’s ate oatmeal for breakfast.”

The Weekly World News will crack this Korean egg mystery.  All our eggs are in this story basket.


MEXICAN CANTINA TO BE BUILT AT THE ALAMO

SAN ANTONIO, TX – A city panel cleared the way for construction of a Mexican cantina at The Alamo.

The San Antonio Landmarks Preservation Commission voted unanimously to deny landmark status to the land immediately adjacent to The Alamo. The panel said that the empty field isn’t distinctive enough to be considered a landmark. And even though it is technically on the property of The Alamo Memorial, the commission has granted Mexican restaurant owner, Felipe Gomez the right to build his Cantina Mexicana at the Alamo.

All but two Texans lost their lives at the hands of the Mexican Army after a 13-day siege ending on March 6, 1836.  But later, Texans got revenge in the Mexican-American War 1846-48.

The decision drew praise from the 36-year-old Mayor of San Antonio, Julian Castro, who called the cantina project a key test of Americans’ commitment to tolerance and a wonderful way to unite Americans and Mexicans.  The planning Commission held an opening board meeting last week, angry residents waved daguerreotypes and sang  “Remember the Alamo”  (in English and Spanish).

“This is hallowed ground,” said Rick Torres, a Texas resident whose great–great-great grandparents fought for The Mexican Army but whose great-great grandparents crossed the Rio Grande and opened a Taco Stand in Brownsville.  “We must honor those that gave their lives for the Texas Republic. There cannot be anything Mexican at The Alamo, even though it was originally a Mexican Mission San Antonio de Valero, the Alamo.”

Torres, though confused, was correct about the origin of The Alamo.  It original served as home to missionaries and their Indian converts for seventy years. Construction began on the present site in 1724. In 1793, Spanish officials secularized San Antonio’s five missions and distributed their lands to remaining Indian residents. These men and women continued to farm the fields, once the mission’s but now their own, and participated in the growing community of San Antonio.

Thirty-seven percent of Texans are of Hispanic origin. Mexican-Americans in Texas are divided about building The Cantina.  “I love taking my children there to see where the Big Battle where the Texans fought so bravely, but I also love a good chimichanga,” said Juanita Jones of Waco.

The Obama Administration has come out in favor of the Alamo cantina.  Robert Gibbs said, ” we want to promote tolerance everywhere, every day.   We love the idea of the cantina and have already approve d a Nobu restaurant at The Pearl Harbor memorial.  We are the world.”

Gomez, the owner of the Cantina Mexicana, said that they planned to honor the Texans that died at The Alamo.  “We have put a Davy Crockett burrito on the menu and we have created a special Alamo Nachos that will be served with some fine Texas chili.  Americans and Mexicans can come together and drink Margaritas at our “Mission Happy Hour” every Friday from 4 to 7.”


ATTACK OF THE TERROR BABIES!

LAREDO, TX – Texas lawmakers have confirmed that Terror Babies are crawling across the border and heading for… you!

Texas Republican  Louie Gohmert confirmed last night on Anderson Cooper 360° that babies, all under the age of 1, are crossing the Mexican border, crawling into Texas and terrorizing local citizens – and America.

A FBI agent, Pete Ramsey, confirmed that a new baby terrorist cell has formed and they’ve figured out ways to game the American system.  “The babies know that we are looking for adults, teenagers and, generally, human beings over the age of 5.  They know that they can just crawl past us and we wouldn’t even give them a second look… but not anymore.  Now we’re on to those little buggers. We’ll nail them, damn right we will!”

Another Texas lawmaker, Debbie Riddle, came on Anderson Cooper’s show. The Republican member of the Texas State Legislature said her office is getting up-to-the-minute reports on the terror babies from former FBI officials. The Terror Baby cell has been active since December of 2009, when most of the terrorists were born.  These babies were born in the United States and Mexico – and have teamed up to terrorize adults in both countries. They scream, belch, and poop – everywhere.. And they do when you’re least expecting it.

Laredo residents have been taking extra precautions – when they see a baby crawling on a dirt road, they ignore him or her.  “Usually, if I saw a baby, or group of babies, crawling around by themselves, my natural instinct is to go over there and help the little fellas out, but not now.  No, sir.  I’m staying far away from them varmints.”

Some people confuse the Terror Babies with the recent news about “birth tourism” or “anchor babies” – which is when undocumented citizens have their babies in the United States and the babies immediately become U.S. citizens.

There have been sightings of terror babies as far north as Kentucky, where several horse ranchers said the babies crawled into their stables and stole some horses. A few babies crawled into a farmhouse and tried to breastfeed off a woman in her thirties.  She’s recovering now in a Lexington Hospital.

There was one baby, six-month-old Little Charlie, who was apprehended by Kentucky authorities.  “We haven’t been able to get much out of him.  All he keeps saying is goo-goo, gaa-gaa.  But, we’ll break him. Count on it,” said Officer Skip Perkins.

How many Terror Babies are in the U.S.?  FBI agents say it’s hard to tell… but there may be over 50,000 in the Southwest alone.  Do not approach theses babies!  They aren’t armed, but they can be extremely dangerous, especially if they haven’t been changed in a while.

Beware the Babies!!!


SEIU TO UNIONIZE LEMONADE STANDS

PEORIA, IL – Federal authorities are helping SEIU unionize lemonade stands across the country.

Little girls and boys across the country are shaking in their little sandals and booties.  The Obama Administration believes that children selling lemonade on street corners are being taken advantage of by… their parents.

Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, said, “For about a century parents have been abusing their children, making them sit for long hours in the hot sun trying to sell lemonade at a rate far below market value. These children need protection from their parents and from capitalists looking for a good lemonade bargain.”

SEIU, the Service Employees International Union, is sending representatives out around the country to sign up the boys and girls. An SEIU representative said, “We need to get them a fair wage, benefits, pension , and we need to get them more TV time. These kids are being forced to work without a TV anywhere near them. It’s horrible! We can’t believe this could happen in America.”

When asked what they would do if the girls and boys did not want to join the union, President Mary Kay Henry, said that “there’s a lot of bad things that can happen to a lemonade stand.  Sometimes they can get destroyed by all sorts of natural phenomenon. But we at SEIU, we can protect these kids against that. If they sign up for our union, they will never have any damage to their stands.  I guarantee it!”

“Lemonade workers of the world unite!”  said former SEIU president, Andy Stern.  “The world has changed. You can’t just make lemonade in your house and sell it at the end of your driveway. The world doesn’t work that way. You need to join forces with other lemonade workers so that you are not exploited by the evil capitalists.  In support of the SEIU, the Obama Administration has instructed the FBI to make sure that the lemonade stand workers are making “the right decision.”

David Axelrod, Obama’s Chief of Staff, added, “look these stands are not paying taxes. We could go after them for that, but we’re not going to do that – yet.  However, they need to learn at an early age that they are not selling lemonade just for themselves, they are selling it for all of us.  We all share in their profits.”

Melissa Charlton, 9, of Peoria, Illinois decided to take a stand for her lemonade stand and refused to join SEIU. FBI agents were sent in and cordoned off a perimeter around her lemonade stand, so that nobody would get hurt. Vice President, Joe Biden, went to Peoria to diffuse the situation.  “Melissa, you need to join SEIU.  It’s time that you jump in, give a little back for all you’ve been given in your life.”

Melissa responded, “But Mr. Vice President, how is joining a union giving back?”  Joe Biden thought about it for a minute and said, “This is a big f–ing deal, Melissa.  A big f–ing deal.”  Melissa still refused to join SEIU.  She was last seen talking to the janitor at her elementary school.

Even though President Obama’s own daughter, Malia, has a lemonade stand on White House grounds, she is exempt from joining the union.  Michelle Obama said that unions were for “the little people.”

Lemonade Workers of the World Unite!!


JUDGE ORDERS ALL GAYS TO BE MARRIED

SAN FRANCISCO –  After a judge overturned California’s same-sex marriage ban, he ordered all gays married “by next year.”

U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker toppled California’s Proposition 8 yesterday. Gays and lesbians celebrated all across the state. Opponents planned to seek a reversal at the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

The Californians who had no opinion on the Judge’s decision – remained steadfast in being clueless. One apathetic surfer said, “dude, I don’t care about marriage. I’m just  glad the dude legalized pot.”  The surfer was incorrect, the Judge did not make any ruling about marijuana. Yet…

But Judge Walker didn’t stop at just overturning Prop 8, he had more to say on the issue.  “I am a strong believer in marriage. It’s good for everyone and good for the country.  Therefore, I am hereby ordering ALL single gay men and  lesbians to be married by this time next year.”

Many gays and lesbians were outraged by Judge Walker’s bizarre proclamation. “Why do I have to get married?” said thirty-year-old Val Trinkley. “I’m in my prime.  I don’t want to settle down yet!” Val’s current partner, Randall Marcus, turned to Val and said, “Well, that’s news to me, honey. I thought you said I was the one?”

Val and Randall were last seen screaming at each other at a bus stop on Castro Street.  Randall was crying – but according to Val, “he’s always crying!”

Many lesbians were happy with the judge’s proclamation. Jillian Yablonsky told WWN, “What a relief. If I know I have to get married, then Susie and I can stop incessantly talking about our relationship and get on with it.”  Others feel that the judge is trying to impose his moral values on them.  “What’s he going to do next?  Order us to have kids?”   Actually, the Judge is considering that idea.

WWN reporters were allowed into Judge Walker’s chambers to discuss his decision. Judge Walker said,  “Look, parents are always pressuring their kids to get married and, well… I want to fill that role for  the gays and lesbians of California.  I say to them… What are you waiting for? Get married?!”

When the judge was told that it wasn’t fair to the many gays and lesbians in their teens and twenties, Judge Walker amended his decision. It now reads:  “all California gay men and lesbians, over the age of 30, must be married by August 4th, 2011… or else you will receive a severe fine and a severe tongue-lashing from me.  What are you waiting for? Get married!”

In related news, several busloads of divorce lawyers were seen heading into California. As one lawyer said, “First comes marriage, then comes divorce, then comes… a big paycheck for me!”

Both sides of the Prop 8 debate agree on one thing:  lawyers always ruin a good love story.

“What are you waiting for?! Get married!”