SUPERCHICKEN!

LONDON –  Scientists have created a  Superchicken that doesn’t spread bird flu, is faster than a speeding bullet and can bend steel with its beak.

The Superchicken is here!   Scientists finished creating the genetically-modified bird last week.  It was originally intended to prevent the outbreaks of avian influenza which lead to millions of birds being culled, but —

…scientists were shocked to discover that Superchicken had super-bird powers.

“Superchicken can fly faster than most supersonic jets, he can lift fifty thousand times his weight,he can speak one hundred and seventy-five languages and when he drops an egg, it’s lethal,” said chief genetic engineer, Dr. Thomas Hillstrom.

The British team behind the GM chicken said that they followed rigorous safety checks when creating Superchicken.  “We never expected Superchicken to be anything but a bird to help fight avian flu,”  said Dr. Lakenstein, who with his assistant, Gregor, spent over three months making Superchicken in his basement.

Superchicken has already rescued four women who were about to be raped in Hyde Park in London, over the last week.  “This ugly bloke grabbed me around the throat and was dragging me into the bushes, when Superchicken swooped down and pecked a hole in his head.  He picked up the attacker by the collar and carried him off to Scotland Yard,” said Fiona Cox of Hampshire.

Criminals all over Great Britain – and around the world – are running scared.  “That’s one nasty chicken,” said  J-Zo Paco of Amersterdam.  “I was just minding by business in my meth lab and all-of-a-sudden, this crazy chicken busts through the door and grabbed me by the throat.  I unloaded my 9mm into him, but it had not affect.  That damn chicken is bullet-proof.”

Police in England are trying to come up with a way for citizens to call for Superchicken when they are in distress.  Many have suggested that the citizens carry a little chicken pendant around their necks and if they get in trouble just push the button and… Superchicken will appear.

Scientists are working on creating a second Superchicken, but Dr. Lakenstein doesn’t think he can duplicate his work again.  “I don’t know how I did it.  I will be impossible to recreate.”

But he will keep on trying.  In the meantime, when  you are in trouble… call Superchicken!


CAPTURED DOLPHIN HAS HUMAN ARMS

TOKYO – Fisherman who were carrying out their annual dolphin hunt captured a dolphin that had human arms!

Fishermen at the Japanese town made famous by the controversial Oscar-winning documentary “The Cove” shrugged off protests by animal rights activists on Tuesday to carry out their annual dolphin hunt.

They were shocked with one of the first dolphin’s that they captured — it  had human arms!!

Japanese broadcaster TBS said the first hunt of the season in the town of Taiji took place on Tuesday, without mentioning how many dolphins were involved.

They said 14 dolphins were killed, while another six — mothers and calves — were spared, at least temporarily.  There was no news as to whether the dolphin with human arms (nicknamed Luka) was killed.

Western activists were chanting, “Mama dolphin, baby dolphin. No!” at the time Luka was discovered.  Actually, the activists were the first to notice because Luka started clapping along to the chant – using his human hands.

“It was incredible.  The Japanese fishermen pulled Luka into the boat and he punched a few of them with his human fist,”  said Rainbow Williams, an activist from San Francisco.  “Luka has a strong punch and I think he knocked out two or three fisherman with his punches.”

It became something of a brawl between the quick-jabbing dolphin and the Japanese fishermen.  But they eventually threw a net over Luka’s head and subdued him with a tranquilizing dart.

Activists tried to get involved in the fray but the Japanese fishermen held them off with gunshots over their heads.

What will the Japanese fisherman do with Luka?

“We will be bringing Luka to a marine biology research center in Osaka.  We will keep him safe and study him there.”

“Bullshit!!  They are going to kill him,” said Williams.  “We need to free Luka.  Free Luka!  Free Luka!”  There are hundreds of protesters outside the research facility waiting for the Japanese to release Luka – but it doesn’t seem like it will be happening anytime soon.

Japan has long maintained that killing dolphins is not banned under any international treaty and that the animals are not endangered, adding that dolphins need to be culled to protect fishing grounds.

Free Luka!!!


TUNA BOY

NEW JERSEY –  A rare mutation happened to Fred Alan on the way to his Thanksgiving feast.  His head turned into a Tuna!

Last week, Fred Allan, an angler who went missing three miles off the coast of New Jersey, was spotted in Jersey City on his way to a Thanksgiving feast.

Fred sat through his Thanksgiving meal with his family without them noticing that his head was had turned into a tuna. But his family has never paid much attention to Fred.   He left with his turkey leftovers.

It wasn’t until he was walking home when a little boy, Chucky Thompson, saw Fred on the street and screamed, “Your head is a tuna fish!”  Fred quickly put his hands to his head and realized that Chucky was right.  Not only was he shocked to learn he had a tuna head, but also Fred realized that his hands were missing as well.  See:

Fred went to see Dr. Chris Rigaux, a marine biologist who specializes in mutations,  sea water fish and heads.  Dr. Rigaux said that this has happened several times before in Tuna History.  “In 1876 a woman, Janice Ross, went fishing with her son off the coast of Virginia.  They caught some bluefin tuna on their own and were happy for their good fortune.  But on the way back, her son, Robert, realized that his mother’s head had turned into a tuna.

“Thinking that his mother was being attacked by an angry tuna, Robert tried to knock the tuna off his mother’s head with a broken oar.  He killed the tuna, but also bashed in his mother’s skull at the same time.  It was a sad day off Virginia Beach.”

Fred Alan was originally told that if he waited a few days and made sure he did not watch “Deadliest Catch”  –  his head might return to normal.  But now… it looks like he will be half-tuna, half-man for the foreseeable future.

Fred was seen walking around Journal Square in Jersey City earlier today.  He was greeting passengers on the Path train – telling them that the bluefin tuna was in danger of going extinct.  He was not warmly received – and several Path passengers grabbed fishing poles, tried to reel him in.  Though my hook caught him temporarily, he got away.

Authorities fear that an angry Fred may go out and try to attack tuna eaters in Jersey City and across the state.  Nobody has seen him in twenty-five hours.  Is he planning an attack?  Is he in hiding?   Is there enough mayo in town to handle Fred?

WWN will, or course, keep you updated on the whereabouts of Fred Alan – Tuna Boy.


BRAIN-EATING VACCINES TURN AMERICANS INTO ZOMBIES

ALBUQUERQUE, NM –  The U.S. government is using brain-eating chemicals to turn Americans into Zombies.

The mainstream media and the scientific dictatorship of the United States Federal Government is giving Americans brain-eating vaccines and putting brain-eating chemicals into the water supply. These chemicals, whether ingested by mouth or injected through the skin, virtually rewire minds into a state of subservient compliance so that their natural instinct to rebel against tyranny is neutered.  They also make people want to eat more broccoli.

The government is calling these chemicals, Soma, named after the dream-inducing, hallucinogenic drug used in Aldous Huxley’s novel, Brave New World.

Dr. John Malley, professor of neuroscience at the University of California Berkeley, says “the chemicals are intended to impose a state of  calm by altering brain chemistry. It also programs Americans little pea brains into wanting to pay the government in excess of 60% of their weekly, monthly or annual salaries.

This is all ominously similar to George Lucas’s 1971 film, TXH 1138, in which the population is controlled  through the use of special drugs to suppress emotion.

Government scientists feel that it is bad for Americans to get angry (particularly those Americans that live in Red States) and they need to be  “treated” by putting pharmaceutical drugs into the water supply and injecting Americans with vaccines will virtually lobotomize – all of us.

Some radio talk show hosts have claimed that brain-altering vaccines and chemicals matches proposals by some in the Obama Administration to add lithium to the water supply in order to treat mood disorders and anti-healthcare emotions.  These radio talk show hosts will soon be off the air, because the FCC will be re-instituting the Fairness Doctrine.  “These crackpots have to go,” Rahm Emanuel told The Daily Kos.

The Zombies first started appearing today in Maricopa County, Az.  They are targeting Sheriff Joe Arpaio first, then they intend to go after the 70% of Arizonans that support SB-1070, the new Arizona immigration law.  At the same time the Zombies are eating brains, the water supply will be flooded with brain-eating chemicals.  “We’ll get your brain one way or another,” said Science Czar, John Holdren.

In other news, the sun was shining in Phoenix today.  Clear skies, no humidity.

Here’s a talk show host telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth:


900-LB GATOR CAUGHT

SOUTH CAROLINA – A 900 pound gator was caught this week by a Massachusetts woman fishing in South Carolina.

Agnes Martin caught and then killed a 13-foot long gator in Lake Moultrie this week.  Zoologists say that this is one of the most spectacular finds of the decade

WLTC in Charlotte reported that the Massachusetts resident successfully got a permit through South Carolina’s permit lottery system for the one month-long alligator season. “He was right there at the edge of the bank swimming on the edges,” Martin said. She hooked him with her fishing pole and battled for two hours to get him near the boat. In South Carolina, you have to secure the gator and get it to the boat before you’re allowed to shoot it.

It took two hours to bring in the gator that she first hooked with a fishing line. Martin says she will take the meat back home with her. She originally wanted to have the gator stuffed and mounted on the wall of in bedroom, but her husband, George, a shoe salesman in Newton, convinced her to make shoes out of the gator.  “George loves animals, especially when they are dead and on his feet.”

Martin said that her husband plans to make about forty pairs of leather shoes from the alligator.  George will be selling them for about $1,000 dollars a pair.  “I think it’s a great bargain, considering that this was a rare find.”  Martin and her husband will be back in South Carolina next week hunting for more gators.

Meanwhile, PETA is planning a shoe caper for later in the week.

See the video report of the original catch here.


SLIDER COWS

HALIFAX –  Tiny cows are being bred to be slider meat.

The Guinness World Book of Records recently named the world’s smallest cow.  It’s a sheep-sized bovine named Swallow from Rishworth near Halifax.  It measures roughly 33 inches from hind to foot.

After reading about the mini-cow, bovine entrepreneur and cattle farmer Chuck Childers of Waco, TX had a brilliant idea. Since sliders – small, soft and irresistible little burgers served by the half dozen – are becoming popular across America, he thought that he should breed tiny cows to make tiny burgers.  “It just hit me one night like dung on a dog.  If you wanna make a small burger, you gotta use a small bovine.  Makes sense, don’t it?”

Childers went to Halifax and learned more about Swallow from her handlers.  “That Halifax cow is real special.  I loved seeing her. I’d love seeing her even more on my plate next to some of my wife’s special Texas grits.”

There was a time when Americans were put off by the idea of eating a quick sandwich filled with a warm ground beef patty. Americans used to want big, beefy, double-triple burgers, but not anymore.

“We are entering a new Golden Age of The Burger,” according to Josh Popperski, Burger Expert.  “The last great invention in the history of the burger was when Hank Stoller of Des Moines mistakenly dropped a piece of cheddar cheese on the burger he was grilling. His wife scolded him for being a klutz, but still ate the burger and… the rest is history.”

White Castle has been making “sliders” for decades, so it’s a bit strange that they are just catching on nationally.  “I ain’t never been in no White Castle,”  Childers said.  “All I know is that people want to eat six small burgers instead of one big burger. Maybe because people are more health consciousness these days.  I don’t know.  I just want to capitalization on the trend and breed me some slider cows.”

Others Texans are not happy about mini-cows being bred in the Lone Star State.  “This is Texas!  We don’t do tiny cows ’round here,” said Tommy Jessup of San Antonio.  “Everything is bigger in Texas!”

“Not anymore,” said Childers.  “If Jessup wants something big, he should come look at my bank account in a few weeks.  I’ll be swimming in Slider Cow money!”

Childers has been busy breeding miniature bulls with miniature cows for the last few weeks.  He hopes to have some Grade A slider meat on your plates in about ten months.


MANDA!

GANSU, CHINA – A half-man, half-panda creature was found today in China!

Two zoologists from the University of Wyoming, Professor Meg Loudon and Professor Luke Imperatore, were in the Gansu Province, China’s largest panda preserve, when they made a startling discovery – the Manda!

The creature has the body of a giant panda, but has the face (and feet) of a man.  Pandas are known as one of the most lovable creatures on the planet – gentle, sweet, kind.  Professor Loudon approached the Manda, but the creature attacked. “The Manda was holding a baby Manda and Professor Loudon didn’t see it.  The Manda was just protecting its offspring.”

The Manda weighs 250 pounds and is about seven feet tall.  He has white skin, dark eyes, and a beard.

Chinese park rangers rushed over to investigate.  The Manda was still agitated, upset about his child being disturbed.  Park rangers made aggressive moves toward the Manda. That’s when a whole pack of pandas attacked.  The rangers and the zoologists all ran, but then they heard a low-voice call to them. “We are peaceful animals, we just want to be alone.”  It was the Manda speaking.  He spoke in perfect Manda-rin and then repeated himself in perfect English.

“We mean no harm. But if you don’t leave us alone, we will protect ourselves.”  The Mandas then softly threw some pebbles at the zoologists.  “Go away!”

The Chinese Park Rangers were undeterred.  They moved in to capture one of the Mandas.  “No!” cried Professor Imperatore who rushed in front of a Manda.  “Run!” Imperatore shouted to the Mandas.  The Mandas scattered and… the rangers kept firing.  Professor Imperatore ran after the Mandas, but he was shot dead – seventy bullets to the chest.  He gave his life for The Manda.

Before Chinese authorities could take Professor Imperatore’s body away, the Mandas pulled his body into the woods and then… they disappeared.

Professor Meg Loudon was questioned by Chinese Police for hours. They wanted to know what she was doing in the panda reserve and they suspected that she knew something about the Mandas. She denied it over-and-over again, but the Chinese Police didn’t believe her and they handed her over to the Chinese Military who handed her over to the Chinese Enhanced Interrogation Team, who took her to Siberia without a coat.

Some believe that the Manda is a genetically engineered mammal created by Chinese scientists.  John Holdren, the Obama Administration’s Science Czar told reporters that he had heard of The Manda before. “The Chinese have been experimenting with genetically-modified animals for decades.  I see nothing wrong with it, as long as the Mandas remain peaceful. We’re working on our own creatures here in the U.S.”

When asked what “creatures” the U.S. was developing, Holdren just smiled. “You’ll see. There’s going to be a lot of surprises in the next year.  I’ll give you a hint…  Roar.”

WWN has dispatched several intrepid reporters to the Gansu Province to find out more about the Manda.