2,400 YEAR-OLD SOUP

XIAN, CHINA – A  pot of soup from 2,400 years ago was found in a tomb.  And it was still hot!

The 2,400 year old bronze vessel was found near the captial of Xian.  Archaeologists also believe they found a container of wine, and traces of brie.

“It’s the first discovery of bone soup in Chinese archaeological history,” the Global Times quoted Liu Daiyun of the Shaanxi Provincial Institute of Archaeology as saying.  “And it is the first time, we’ve ever discovered soup that was still in a bowl and  still piping hot!”

“The discovery will play an important role in studying the eating habits and culture of the Warring States Period (475-221 BC).”   That is if they can keep the archaeologists from eating the soup!”

The tomb was being excavated to make way for an airport extension, the report said.

Scientists were expected to conduct further tests to confirm the liquid was indeed soup and to identify the ingredients.   “It didn’t look like Hot N’ Sour soup to me, or Won Ton soup,” said American Soup Expert, John Malley.

The tomb could have held the body of either a member of the land-owning class or a low-ranking military officer, archaeologists said.

The terracotta army figures were found near Xiang in 1974 at the burial site of Qin Shihuang, China’s first emperor.

The find was made when Liu took the lid off a round, three-legged bronze cauldron. To his amazement it was full of hot liquid. He said: “When I opened the lid, I was really shocked.  And it smelled delicious!”

My guess is that the liquid did not evaporate because of the lid and because the tomb had been tightly sealed for more than 2,000 years,” he added.

Xian is the capital of the Shaanxi province, and a sub-provincial city in the People’s Republic of China. As one of the oldest cities in China, with more than 3,100 years of history, the city was known as Chang’an before the Ming Dynasty.  Xi’an is one of the Four Great Ancient Capitals of China, having held that position under several of the most important dynasties in Chinese history, including Zhou, Qin, Han, Sui, and Tang.

Xi’an is the eastern terminus of the Silk Road and home to the Terracotta Army.



SUPER GLUE CURES BRAIN CANCER!

MAYO CLINIC – Doctors have confirmed that brain cancer can be cured with Super Glue.

This past summer a baby girl, who was born with a potentially lethal brain malformation, was saved when doctors injected a special type of Super Glue into her brain.

Since then, doctors have done extensive research and run numerous clinical trials on medical-grade Super Glue and its use for curing brain tumors.  The data is in.  If you inject Super Glue into a brain that has cancer – the cancer will go away in three to five days.

Let’s look  at the case of Brenda Markingham.

Brenda was born with a malformation of blood vessels in her brain, which led to hydrocephalus or water on the brain, which caused her head to grow unusually large.

The Chicago family came to New York’s Roosevelt Hospital where Dr. Hector Gonzalez used the Super Glue procedure to save her life.

In an amazing, delicate procedure, Dr. Gonzalez actually injects tiny amounts of medical-grade Super Glue, closing off most of the vessels feeding the Vein of Galen short-circuit.

Brenda was born with something called a Vein of Galen malformation. The huge dark circle in the middle of her brain is a short-circuit between arteries and veins. That enlarges the veins, preventing brain fluid from draining normally.

Brenda’s parents know Super Glue saved their baby’s life and they have a lot to be thankful for this  holiday season “Certainly at this time of year I think you tend to reflect on what you are most thankful about in your life and certainly we have a lot to be thankful for,” her mother said.

The Super Glue in Brenda’s brain will stay there forever. You can see it on X-rays. It’s lodged in these abnormal blood vessels that are now closed off and shouldn’t bother her as her brain continues to develop.

Doctors across America have now begun using Super Glue on brain tumors.  “We think it’s the best medical discovery since Penicillin,” said Dr. Aldous Hawkley.  “And it’s always handy to have Super Glue around.  If we break something in the operating room, we don’t have to scramble looking for something… we have Super Glue.”

Of course, medical-grade Super Glue is different from regular Super-Glue.  “But not much different,” said Dr. Gonzalez.  “If there was an emergency and we were out of the medical-grade Super-Glue, I could just send a nurse to the hardware store and get regular Super Glue and it would work fine.”

The one problem doctors have with using Super Glue?   “If you get it on your fingers, they stick together and the whole operation has to be stopped, while the doctors try to pry their fingers apart,” said Dr. Susan Begley of the Mayo Clinic.

The other problem is that doctors, like Dr. Begley, have become obsessed with Super Glue.  “She’s addicted.  Every time we turn around she’s using Super Glue on something,” said to her husband Rocco.  “She’s got a real problem with that stuff.”

Well, she may have a problem… but brain cancer is now cured!


YOUNG ADULTS MOVING INTO NURSING HOMES!

BOCA RATON, FL –  Due to the bad economy, many young adults are moving into nursing homes and assisted living facilities.

They don’t seem to fit in.   Many of the other residents don’t have iPods or iPhones.   Most don’t go out until four in the morning, listen to Eminem and  watch MTV all day.   But for twenty-somethings who can’t find work and can’t move back home, nursing homes and assisted living facilities are proving to be a viable lifestyle choice.

It’s no longer unusual to find a nursing home resident who is decades younger than his neighbor: About one in seven people now living in such facilities in the U.S. is a young adult in their early 20s.  This growing phenomenon has presented a host of challenges for nursing homes,  but they all seem to be adapting.

Many senior citizens welcome the “lively”  young adults that are moving in.  “We love their energy and enthusiasm,” said Jasper Winegar, “except when they start trying to hit on my gals, then I have a problem with them.”

The number of under-25 nursing home residents has risen about 72 percent in the past year to about 2,003,000, according to an analysis of statistics from the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services .

The same generational tensions that exist outside nursing homes are inside them as well, and are sometimes exacerbated by the often close confines.

Older residents complain about loud music and visitors, younger residents complain about living with someone with dementia or being served creamed spinach. Many nursing homes try to house younger residents together, though in many cases their small numbers make that difficult.

At Bayshore Health Center in Duluth, Minn., 74 of the 160 residents are in their 20s, all living in private rooms in their own wing.  The staff has found it to be a lot of  “fun” to have the twenty-somethings in their care.

Instead of bingo night, there are poker games and raves. For someone who stays up late watching a movie, breakfast can be served at noon., rather than 7 a.m. Pizza is offered in place of lasagna; Mountain Dew and Coke are poured instead of coffee and tea.

The Obama Administration is funding nursing homes across the country to take care of twenty-somethings who can’t find work.   “This is a great way to stimulate the economy and I’m all for it,”  echoed Nancy Pelosi, former Speaker of the House.

Here’s one of the  new residents at the Manor Acres Living Facility in Bayonne, New Jersey:


MAN RAPED BY HOOKER!

LAS  VEGAS –  A college student is suing a Las Vegas Escort agency after he was forced to have sex with a hooker he paid for.

Hubert Blackman of New York wants his $275 back, and is suing Las Vegas Exclusive Personals for $1.8 million dollars because the prostitute he paid for performed a sex act on him.

He was traumatized by the distress caused by the “tragic event.”

The most surprising part of the whole story is that the Escort turned out to be none other than Eliot Spitzer’s favorite call girl, Ashley Dupre.

Blackman was vacationing in Vegas in December when he ordered a stripper to come to his hotel room. Ashley Dupre, who has had a hard time putting her life together after the Spitzer scandal, was working for the Escort agency and arrived at Blackman’s room – and immediately got down to business.

Dupre performed a $155 lap dance and then $120 sex act.  Blackman was shocked that she performed the sex act on him – even though he paid for it.

Dupre left right after the sex act.  Blackman couldn’t get to sleep at all – he was a wreck.

The next morning, he called Las Vegas Exclusive Personals to demand his money back, saying he was dissatisfied because Dupre didn’t stay for the promised one hour, didn’t “cuddle me” and “violated me” by raping me.

“I just wanted a lap dance and she… went all the way with me.  I was raped!’

Blackman also told the company he was incapable of making an informed agreement with the stripper because he was drunk at the time.  “She took advantage of my hot, young body and had her way with me, and then made me pay her for doing it.”

“I was raped and robbed,” Blackman said.

When the company refused to refund Blackman’s money, he called the cops, who threatened to bust him for prostitution and asked for Dupre’s phone number.  “We want to be raped, too,”  said Las Vegas Police Captain John Girardi.

Blackman said he knew prostitution was illegal in Vegas and would never have consented to having sex with a prostitute, no matter how much he paid her.

What happens in Vegas….


BRITISH ACCENT NO LONGER SEXY, STUDY FINDS

PALO ALTO, CA – A new study out of Stanford University reveals that the British accent is no longer considered a positive trait when choosing a sexual partner.

In a comprehensive new research study conducted jointly by the Department of Linguistics and the Department of Psychology at Stanford University, three thousand American men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents.  Each subject participating in The Comito Study was put in a mood-enhanced room (low-lighting, soft music), then they were played samples of native speakers reciting simple phrase in English (i.e. “would you like to have dinner?” you look beautiful,” “let’s stroll in the park,” etc.).  Subjects also heard several regional accents:  New York, New Jersey, Midwest, Southern, Texas, and California. Electrodes attached to the subject monitored sexual arousal.

The results of The Comito Study surprised researchers. Women and men have always been aroused by French and Italian accents, and women have always seemed to go “weak in the knees” over British accents. No more. While the romance languages account for the majority of accents that attract the opposite sex, the British accent is slowly losing its sex appeal.  “Women today seem unimpressed with the British accent.  They are more attracted to accents of the more hot-bloodied counties – Spain, Brazil, Greece.”

Here are the results of The Comito Study.  The top 15 accents that caused sexual arousal in subjects:

FOR MEN

  1. Italian
  2. Fraench
  3. Spanish
  4. Southern
  5. Greek
  6. Irish
  7. Russian
  8. Australian
  9. Canadian
  10. Chinese
  11. Swedish
  12. Jamaican
  13. New Jersey
  14. British
  15. Dutch

FOR WOMEN

  1. Italian
  2. Spanish
  3. French
  4. Greek
  5. Irish
  6. Dutch
  7. Swedish
  8. South African
  9. Australian
  10. Russian
  11. Canadian
  12. Cuban
  13. Southern
  14. Hungarian
  15. British

Men are slightly more attracted to the British accent than women, but that may be because TV producers regularly give the hot, female lead to British actresses. One researcher,  psycchologist  Jacob Vizmans speculated that it may because American men are just growing tired of American women.  His female research partners strongly disagreed with his comments and had him fired from The Comito Study.

One of the Comito researchers, Dr. Linda Masterson said, “For decades British men have been coming to America with the idea that women will just drop their skirts when they hear their accent, and for decades it worked.  But now, American women are turned-off by the accent.”   One subject wrote this on their data form, “I used to like British accents because I used to think of Jude Law and James Bond, but now when I here it all I think of is bad teeth and oil spills.  Ewww.”   Even though the study was conducted in May of this year, researchers with the Comito Project say that the BP oil spill did not affect the findings.

Dr. Masterson, who is married to a Jamaican set designer said, “The fact is that British accents have become… a bore.”

In general, subjects felt that if you had an accent your chances of having sex were better than if you didn’t.  That word spread quickly on campus and since the study was released, there appears to be a lot more men at the bar with Italian accents.  Hmmm….

The Comito Study is now expanding its research to Europe.  They want to see how effective an American accent is in creating sexual arousal in Europeans.  “It’s not going to be easy, Europeans don’t always respond to an American accent with arousal.”  We look forward to the results.


FARTING MAKES BOYS SMARTER

WASHINGTON – The Center for Education Policy has released the results of a study that proves conclusively that farting raises IQ levels in boys.

Boys have lagged behind girls in school for 20 years. Jerry Jefferson, The Director of the Center for Education Policy, said that “alarm bells” went off and the Center decided to explore every aspect of boys’ lives “to see what could possibly increase their IQ and their interest in school.” The answer: farting.

“”Books suck,” said Matt Kingston, a 12-year-old who only reads what he has to for school. “All boys know that.”  He then popped off a nuclear fart, which impressed his parents and teachers alike.  Grossology expert, Amelia Yunker of Farmington Hills, Michigan said that “the only way to get boys to learn these days is to talk to them in Fart-ese.” Yunker recently hosted a Fart Party that also included an armpit noise competition.  “If we can get the boys farting and belching, we can get their math and reading scores up,”  Yunker said.

Jerry Jefferson said “we are also getting boys to read by releasing books in the Fart Lit genre.” Recently the self-published book, “SweetFarts” by Raymond Bean is a big hit in New York City, where kids simply like to read about farts.  SweetFarts  chronicles a 9-year-old boy’s multimillion-dollar science fair invention of tablets that can change foul-smelling gas into the culprit’s scent of choice: summer rose, cotton candy, grape — even pickles, as requested by his little sister. It climbed to No. 3 on Amazon in children’s humor in October on little more than word of mouth. The sequel, “Sweet Farts: Rippin’ it Old-School,” to be released next month”

Boys outside New York City don’t like to read about farting, they like to do it, and that makes all the difference.  “Reading about farting has some benefits, but if you are actually out there farting all day, that’s what really helps the boys.”  Boys across America are now being encouraged to fart as much as they can, wherever they can and to tell as many fart jokes as possible.

“It may get loud, it may get smelly,  but the education of our American boys is at stake.  I think we can finally get American boys on par with Chinese boys,”  Jefferson said.  “Parents must take this seriously. Teach your boys to fart!”

The Department of Education has released these instructions for boys to practice their farting:

How to fart on command:
1)  Get a pillow and a soft surface.
2)  Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways.
3)  Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anus.
4)  Once you’re relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation…this is air traveling into your colon.
5)  Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down.
6)  Force the air back out… Fart!

Specific farts have been targeted for academic excellence. The Department of Education recommends that boys master these farts for these academic disciplines.

SILENT BUT DEADLY –  FOR FUTURE POLITICIANS
This fart is totally inaudible, yet causes major damage. Good for boys interested in politics..

EGGY FART – FOR FUTURE SCIENTISTS
Smells very much like rotten eggs (hydrogen sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to knock people out.

NIKE FART – FOR FUTURE STUDENT-ATHLETES
This sort of fart which goes “whoosh,” and is more felt than heard.  A little like an SBD, but louder and less toxic.

GROWLING FART – FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day.

THE IS-IT-A-FART FART – FOR FUTURE PSYCHOLOGISTS
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. Then, it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants  Is it a fart or not?

COMPOST FART – FOR FUTURE BOTANISTS
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

BEEFY ONE – FOR FUTURE LAWYERS
Loud, big, bold. Smells like an infected cow and or a mound of diseased dog-turd.

SQUEAKY FART – FOR FUTURE ACCOUNTANTS
Sounds like ‘Wheeek’.  It’s weak, but deadly.

THE EARTHQUAKE FART – FOR FUTURE GEOLOGISTS
Sends seismic ripples across the city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart hurts and anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

THE ESCAPE POD FART  – FOR FUTURE ASTRONAUTS
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs, but smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, everyone starts to cough and splutter.

HYDRATED FLATULATION – FOR FUTURE MARINE BIOLOGISTS
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this one, but you feel right at home in it.

GUNSHOT FART – FOR FUTURE MILITARY OFFICERS
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. Tough. Strong and exceedingly rare.

So boys, go out there and… let it rip!!


SPAIN BUYS THE SUN

MADRID – Spain announced today that they have bought the sun, and will be charging for usage.

After billions of years the Sun finally has an owner — Spain.  The President of the Government of Spain, Juan Luis Zapatero, registered the star with the United Nations.   Our sun now belongs to Spain.
Zapatero told the popular daily Spanish newspaper, El Mundo, that he decided to claim the sun after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our solar system.

There was an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but Zapatero feels that he has to do something to help his country out financially, so he has “purchased” the sun – for nothing..

The Secretary General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-Moon, issued a new international document declaring Spain to be the official “owner of the Sun, a star of spectral type G2, located in the centre of the solar system, located at an average distance from Earth of about 149,600,000 kilometers.”

Zapatero was thrilled that Ban Ki-Moon approved the purchase.  “The Secretary General made the right decision.  If Spain can become economically sound, it will help all of Europe and the rest of the world.   This will really help the well-being of our citizens and make us a major player on the world stage now.”

Spain has not set a fee structure for usage of the sun.   Zapatero said that he would not charge for “daily use” – meaning just for the sun rising every day, but  “Spain will be charging a fee for all crops, all recreational activities and for a large fee for all tans.”

Florida, The Sunshine State, will have to pay a hefty fee to use the sun – as will California, Arizona and New Mexico.