MILEY CYRUS TO DO PLAYBOY!

LOS ANGELES – Miley Cyrus, who turned 18 on November 23rd, has done photo spread for Playboy!

Ever since Miley Cyrus turned 16, Hugh Hefner has been trying to sign her up to pose naked in Playboy after her 18th birthday.  Finally, with the approval of Miley Cyrus’ parents (Billy Ray and Tish), it’s a done deal – according to reports out of Arizona.

The photos were taken the day after her 18th birthday by Playboy’s top photographers, including Vlad Comito. The concept was approved by Hef himself, who says that Miley’s photo spread, will become a worldwide sensation.

The 84-year-old Playboy tycoon always thought the ‘Hannah Montana’ star – who caused controversy in 2008 by posing in just a blanket in Vanity Fair magazine for photographer Annie Leibovitz – would be a hit with readers of the adult magazine after she turns 18.

Hefner  said,  “We are excited to have her appear in the magazine. She’s a very pretty lady.”

Hefner, who thinks he still has three live-in girlfriends (even though they all moved out a year ago), also insists he can’t understand why some people are upset about Miley appearing in the magazine.  “Every woman wants to appear in Playboy,”  said Playboy CEO Sandra Piccoli.  “There’s a lot of  boys that grew up with her, and she is their fantasy girl.  And there are a lot of other men who buy our magazine because they love to see beautiful women.  Miley turned 18, so she is a legal adult and and officially  a woman.”

Playboy feels that the issue will be a smash success.  “If Miley wants to pose naked, as an adult, she has the right to do so,” said Piccoli.

Hefner is not surprised that some Americans object to Miley being in the magazine:  “I think it’s a reflection on how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”  Many parents have complained recently about Miley’s new videos which seem racy.  There’s going to be even more complaints when they see her Playboy photo-spread.  Miley has agreed to pose completely naked.

Recently, Miley, has been accused of being too “slutty” – an artistic choice she made for her latest video.  Some may think that the Playboy photos may be a step too far for the young star, but she  will join a long line of celebrities to appear in the magazine:  Denise Richards, Drew Barrymore and Pamela Anderson have previously bared all for the publication.

There’s also concern because Miley is in talks to join the wild indie band, Moses Blue, on the road next summer.

Hugh founded Playboy in 1953, almost 40 years before Miley was born.  Insiders say the elderly Hef is losing some of his mental faculties because he’s started wearing suits, and shoes.  No more bathrobes and slippers.

WWN can confirm that the rumors about Billy Ray, playing a tuba, appearing in the background of some of Miley’s  Playboy photos are completely false, though they may be true.

WWN can also confirm that Billy Ray asked Hef if Playboy would dedicate an entire Playboy issue to him.  “I’ve always wanted to appear naked in Playboy.  I know it’s for guys, but I’m so damn good-looking, I deserve a spread and everyone deserves to be able to look at me naked!”

The Miley Playboy issue will be on newsstands starting four months and five days after her 18th birthday:  March 28th, 2011.

Miley is a big girl now, she Can’t Be Tamed:

Advertisements

KIM KARDASHIAN’S BUTT EXPLODES

LAS VEGAS –   Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas.  Her left butt cheek exploded.

Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence.  When implant fly above this altitude they have been known  to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian.  As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt.  She was sitting next to the new man in her life, Miles Austin, the 25-year-old Dallas wide receiver (whose been doing just that with Kim).

The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag.  Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport.  Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway. Her sisters, Khloe and Kourtney and mother, Kris, all rushed to the hospital to be with Kim.  Luckily they were all nearby at their new boutique at the Mirage, Kardashian Khaos.

There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant.  “We’ve had a few cases like this before.  It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.”    Austin was the first one to slap Kim’s new left cheek.  “It felt good.”  He said.

Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery.  Austin, on the other hand, feels that this tragic accident was not due to Implant Altitude Syndrome (IAS), but instead was something more nefarious.  “Reggie Bush is behind this.”  Austin said.  “He wants to get back at Kim for dumping him, but it’s not gonna work.  She’s mine now. All of her.  Both cheeks.”  When WWN asked Austin how he thinks Bush planted the butt IED, Austin said, “Reggie’s always been a sneaking guy.  Remember the Bush Push?  Well, somehow he snuck into the hotel we were staying at in New Jersey, knocked us out with rufies or something and then injected some explosive serum into her left butt cheek.  They he paid off the pilots and had them fly too high. The man is sick jealous!”

When Bush was asked about Austin’s accusations he said, “What?  He better watch his mouth. I’ll blow up his ass next!”

Doctors advise all women with butt implants to speak with their plastic surgeon before boarding another plane.  “You don’t want to be in that mile-high club,”  Dr. John Malley said.

Even with this explosive new information, there are STILL some who refuse to believe Kim has (or had) butt implants.  In an effort to help our readers decide for themselves, we’ve included some pictures for you to examine.  Study them carefully and let us know what you think.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Exhibit E :  Why not.



TIGER BACK WITH ELIN

ORLANDO – The Saga of Tiger and Elin gets weirder.    Exactly one year after the “incident”,  they are getting back together.

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren’s marriage has had many twists and turns.  But even their divorce attorneys were shocked to learn that they were recently spotted kissing while out in their Orlando neighborhood.

There are rumors that Elin has agreed to move back in with her cheating husband.  And the reconciled spouses are not being bashful about showing their love for one another.

An eyewitness, Janet Thompon, told reporters, “They were hugging and they were kissing right out in the open. Elin is certainly a lot more relaxed these days and so is he.”

Another inside source added “People in the neighborhood are getting used to seeing them together again. Perhaps they’ll make it after all.”

Photo taken November 24, 2010

A little Tiger-Elin history.

Elin and Tiger met in 2001 at the British Open at Royal Lytham in England. Elin was working as an au pair to Jesper Parnevik, a Swedish golfer. On November 25, 2003, Tiger (27) proposed to Elin (23) in the South African Shamwari Game Reserve while they were on a romantic walk at sunset. They were there for a safari vacation and slept under the stars after the Presidents Cup.

On October 5, 2004 they were married. The ceremony itself was simple although the rest of the wedding preparations were elaborate and expensive. 500 red roses were imported for the wedding.

Their sunset wedding was held under a white-netted pagoda decorated with red roses on the 19th hole of the Sandy Lane Golf Resort in Barbados. Reportedly, Rev. Ricky Kirton was the officiant at their wedding. The exclusive resort is located on the west coast of the Caribbean locale. The wedding reportedly cost between $1.5 million — $2 million.

November 27 , 2009. Woods suffers facial lacerations in a car crash outside his Florida home after colliding with a fire hydrant and a tree.November 29 . Woods issues statement taking full blame for crash, lashes out at rumors of domestic disturbance. “I’m human and I’m not perfect. Many false and malicious rumors circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.” 

December  2-20.   A number of women come forward with claims of flings with Woods, including a porn star and a waitress. At least 10 women allegedly linked to Woods.

February1 19, 2010. Woods makes first appearance since the scandal broke, apologizing for “selfish and irresponsible” behavior in a statement televised around the world.

On August 23, 2010 Tiger and Elin are officially divorced.  Exactly one month later, it appears they are together again.

They have two children:   Sam Alexis Woods: Born 2007 and  Charlie Axel Woods: Born 2009.

Maybe he realized he’s not going to do much better than the beautiful Elin:


DOGS EAT GAGA MEAT

HOLLYWOOD – Lady Gaga wore her meat dress out tonight and was attacked by a pack of wild dogs.

Two days after Lady shocked everybody with her meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards, she wore it out again to the hot new restaurant, Red O, on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles.   As she was getting out of her limo, a pack of wild dogs jumped her and ate her meat.

Gaga tried to get away, but the dogs kept biting her meat, tearing it off her. Several of Gaga’s body guards tried to pull the dogs away, but they were bitten on their hands and legs.  The dogs -= two rottweilers, a pit bull and two mutts – were just too wild to control.  Gaga fought the dogs with kicks, screams and a verse from her hit Speechless.   LAPD and Animal Rescue were called and arrived quickly.

The LAPD tased the dogs and they finally gave up on the meat. Gaga, surprisingly, only sustained minor injuries. The dogs ate all her meat, however, and she was left nude on the sidewalk.  Animal Rescue tried to put Lady Gaga in the truck, but her bodyguards stopped them.

Meatloaf, the aging rock star, was seen nearby. Some thought he had something to do with the wild dogs because he was heard telling his plastic surgeon, “I should be the one wearing meat. I’m meatloaf, not her!”

Representatives from PETA also denied rumors that they were responsible for the dog attack on Gaga’s meat. “We don’t like celebrities to wear furs and we certainly don’t like them to wear meat!” Lady Gaga had already explained her raw meat dress, “it’s not a matter of disrespectful to vegetarian persons.” She went on to say that if “we don’t fight we’ll all be meat soon.” She didn’t explain what or who we were fighting.

But as a consolation to PETA, Lady Gaga will be wearing only raw vegetables when she performs in Las Vegas this week. “I think I’ll look good in broccoli,” Gaga said.

Gaga told Ellen on her show that she wore the meat because she wasn’t performing on the VMAs and she didn’t want to let her beloved fans (her “little monsters”) down by being “just another bitch in a dress at an awards show.”   So she went to a butcher in Brentwood and got outfitted.  She said she was even wore  ground beef panties.

And the dogs?  Don’t worry, they are fine.  They will be up for adoption this week.  Several members of LA Animal Rescue said they’d never seen dogs so happy.  “They really loved Gaga’s meat.”

Oh well,  maybe there are some broccoli lovers out there…

Here’s Gaga’ Vogue meat bikini cover:


BRISTOL PALIN PREGNANT AGAIN

HOLLYWOOD – After one week on DWTS, Bristol Palin is pregnant again.  Her dance partner is the baby-daddy.

Last week, Bristol Palin took her first steps in rehearsal for her turn in the Dancing With The Stars ballroom. The former first daughter of Alaska joined her partner Mark Ballas at a studio to begin rehearsals for the eleventh season of the hit ABC show. She got close to Mark quickly and… now WWN can confirm that she’s pregnant with his baby.

“Mark and I really clicked and… one step led to another.  I’m pregnant.”    Ballas said that at the first Dancing With The Star rehearsal, he felt a real “soul” connection with Bristol. They went back to his apartment,  made love and… “on the first try we made a baby.”

Dancing With The Stars host, Tom Bergeron told WWN that producers had talked about having a “horizontal dancing” segment on the show but “it was just too risqué,”   Bergeron said. “If there were a competition for that, Bristol and Mark would win hands down. They must really be in sync rhythmically.”

The teenage mother told WWN that “I never got the sex talk from my mother, so it’s not my fault that I have sex all the time and I get pregnant.  She should have told me how it all works.”  Mark Ballas, 24, said that he did get the “sex talk” from his parents and did know how it all works, but he didn’t have time to put on a condom, “We were in the groove. We didn’t want to mess up our routine.”

When Levi Johnston heard about his ex-wife, the “woman-that-gave-me-a-life” he said, “Mark Ballas is hot.  I would have slept with him, too.  He has great abs. They’re not as good as mine, but they’re good.”  Levi was disappointed that Bristol decided to call Mark Ballas “Baby-Daddy” and he would be called “asshat” from now on.

After learning that Bristol was pregnant again, Sarah Palin told her husband, the First Dude, to make a chastity belt for Bristol.  “She needs to lock that thing up. Throw away the key!”

Producers of Dancing With The Stars are deciding whether to let Bristol continue to compete in the show.  “Technically, there are three of them dancing, and this is a couples competition.

Asked whether he was going to marry Bristol, Mark Ballas simply said, “Dancers don’t get married.  It’s not good for  our footwork.”  Bristol’s other baby, Tripp, was unavailable for comment.  He doesn’t speak yet.  But some observers said they thought they saw him shake his head in disgust.


ASHTON LEAVES BETTY FOR DEMI

LOS ANGELES –  Rumors of Ashton Kutcher cheating on Demi are true.  He’s with Betty White now.

Ashton Kutcher’s five-year marriage to Demi Moore may be coming to an end. Allegedly Ashton was spotted with his hands and lips all over another woman – Betty White.

Betty and Ashton were seen kissing at an Italian restaurant in the LA area.

An eyewitness at the Italian restaurant said, ” Ashton had this gorgeous, older woman pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her. I was shocked to see him sucking face with a woman who was clearly older than Demi.  When Ashton pulled his face away, I could see it was Betty White.  It made me happy to see her making out, but I’m not sure he’s good enough for her.”

Kutcher originally took to Twitter on Wednesday to slam rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. “I think Star magazine calling me a ‘cheater’ qualifies as defamation of character. I hope my lawyer agrees,” he wrote. “STAR magazine – you don’t get to stand behind ‘freedom of the press’ when you are writing fiction.”

But after the eyewitness came forward, Ashton came clean on Twitter.  “Yes, I am having an affair with Betty White.  We are madly in love.  I love Demi, but I just love Betty more.  I know everyone in American can understand.”

Kutcher went on to say that he would be filing for divorce.  That may not be the smartest thing to do because Betty White isn’t interested in settling down any time soon.  “I’m just playing the field right now. Ashton’s got a nice body, but there’s lot of nice bodies out there and I plan on checking out a whole bunch of them.  I don’t want to be tied down to one man.  I’m too young!”

Betty is part of a  new “panther” movement sweeping the country:  senior women dating young men.    Go, Betty, Go!

Here’s one of the many, many reasons Ashton (and America) loves Betty White:


JOHN CUSACK FORMS SATANIC CULT

HOLLYWOOD – John Cusack forms satanic cult to rid the planet of “GOP welfare freaks.”

Actor John Cusack went on a Twitter rampage Sunday evening, attacking former House Majority Leader Dick Armey, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and Fox News.  He tweeted, “I am for a satanic death cult center at Fox News HQ and outside the offices of Ordick, Armey and Newt Gingrich and all the GOP welfare freaks.”

Cusack got his wish when the Council of Satanic Death Cults (CSDC) announced today that they would be forming a Death Cult that will serve under their new leader, John Cusack.   Grand Dragon Cusack said, “I am honored that the CSDC thought I was evil enough to lead this council of 1,000 proud demons and bedwetters.  I accept. I vow to serve with dishonor and disrespect.”

Cusack has long been outspoken about politics. He supported Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election and has contributed to The Huffington Post, but this is the first known time he has stooped to the level of making threats. This pleased Lord Demon Michael Moore of the CSDC said, “We are proud that John has decided to join our circle of celebrity demons, which includes Rosie O’Donnell, Mel Gibson, and Bugs Bunny.  Yes, Bugs is on our side.”

The CSDC

The Council for GOP Welfare Freaks (CGWF) has countered by forming an Angelic Life Cult that will seek to bathe Cusack and his Death Cult Demons in “beautiful, white light,”  according to its new leader, Carrie Prejean.  Prejean has sent several white doves over to Cusack’s house as a means to “show that we are people of peace.”   Cusack immediately bit off the heads of the doves and then tossed them into the Pit of Cusack Fire – a raging eternal flame that he had installed in his basement (the CSDC will meet in the flame every Wednesday).

Fox News has formed its own John Cusack Fox News Cult (JCFNC).  This JCFNC will ridicule Cusack on a daily basis and will give Cusack plenty of air time to destroy his own career.