ALIEN SPACESHIPS TO ATTACK EARTH IN 2011!

Three giant alien spaceships are heading for Earth!  Scientists predict they will arrive in early 2011.

UFO encounters continue to increase – as documented on WWN.  And today scientists at SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence), an independent non-commercial organization,  made a major announcement:

“Three giant spaceships are heading towards Earth. The largest one of them is 200 miles wide. Two others are slightly smaller. At present, the objects are just moving past Jupiter.  Judging by their speed, they should be on Earth by early 2011,” said John Malley, the lead extraterrestrial expert at SETI.

The spaceships were detected by HAARP search system. The system, based in Alaska, was designed to study the phenomenon of northern lights. According to SETI researchers, the objects are extraterrestrial spaceships. They will be visible in optical telescopes as soon as they reach Mars’s orbit – sometime in March of 2011. The US government has been reportedly informed about the event.

SETI researchers have spent fifty years monitoring space.   Professor Malley said that they have conclusively proven that “we are just newcomers in this huge and unexplored world. Many believe that there are many other civilizations in space beside our own civilization.”

Wikileaks recenlty released many classified documents that prove that NASA and high-level U.S. official are aware of the three spaceships and are making plans to battle the spaceships.  They have been concealing information from the U.S. public for decades. Wikileaks also confirms that the UFO sightings over the last three months prove that the alien invasions (long predicted by SETI) has begun. The three spaceships will mark the official beginning of the alien invasion.

Malley said that recently a Chinese official, Mao Kan, had obtained over than 1,000 secret NASA photographs depicting not only human footprints, but even a human carcass on the surface of the Moon. Some of the bones in the carcass were missing, the official said. The human corpse must have been dropped on the Moon from an alien spaceship, whereas the extraterrestrials kept some tissue samples for research.

Dr. Ken Johnston, former Manager of the Data and Photo Control Department at NASA’s Lunar Receiving Laboratory, said that US astronauts had found and photographed ancient ruins of artificial origin on the Moon.  US astronauts had seen large unknown mechanisms on the Moon.

Both Johnston and Mao Kan agree that the alien spaceships are heading for Earth.

Beginning in February of 2011 the U.N. will begin preparing citizens of the world for the attack of the three spaceships – which are believed to come from Planet Zeeba.

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ROBOT GIRLFRIENDS GO ON SALE IN JAPAN

OSAKA-  Robot girlfriends are on sale now in Japan.  Buy two for the price of one!

The Japanese roboticist Hiroshi Ishiguro, from the Intelligent Robotics Laboratory, has created a small surrogate girlfriend for men (and women).  The Japanese roboticist unveiled his creation in April, but it is now on sale everywhere across Japan in Seiyu (Japan’s Wal-Mart).

The android was originally called Geminoid F, but Ishiguro renamed her Chizuko (which means “the child of a thousand storks”) and is also the name of Ishiguro’s first girlfriend who dumped him for a five-foot tall accountant.  Ishiguro programmed Chizuko to call him, “Stud.”

Ishiguro teamed up with Kokoro Co., Ltd. to create the realistic-looking female android says she was modeled after a woman in her twenties. She has long black hair, soft silicone skin, and a set of lifelike teeth that allow her to produce a natural smile.  Here’s Chizuko with her model:

Chizuko with the girl she was modeled after

When female researchers at Intelligent Robotics Laboratory asked Ishiguro why he didn’t make the female android a thirty-something woman (especially considering Ishiguro is in his late 40s) Ishiguro said, “anybody want some tea?”

Chizuko is friendly, kind, always smiling and only talks when she is asked a question by her “partner” (man or woman). Ishiguro said, “She’d make a great wife for anybody. Many Japanese parents are buying them for their sons.”

The efficient design makes Chizuko easy to produce. She is on sale at Seiyu for 5 million yen (about $50,000) each.  But for this week – and this week only – you can buy one and get one free.  “If you consider how much you spend on a girlfriend over time, it’s a real bargain,”  Ishiguro said.

At a press conference in Osaka, Chizuko spoke to reporters. “It feels great to be alive.  Anybody want a date?”

No doubt it will take time for people to get used to robot girlfriends, but Ishiguro assures everyone that it they are a viable product that he expects to be as big as the iPad. “We’re neurologically hardwired to react to these androids as though they’re human beings. Once you Chizuko walking across a room in her little black dress, you won’t be able to tell the difference between Chizuko and a human female.”

The question on everyone’s mind: can Chizuko have sex?  A grinning Ishiguro said, “You’ll have to buy one and see.”

Ishiguro dispelled rumors that he married Chizuko last week are false. Ishiguro is not a one- android man, he owns twelve of the female androids. “One for each room,” he said.

The female androids will go on sale at Wal-Mart in the U.S. on September 1st.

Here’s Chizuko when she was introduced to the public in April, 2010.


FIND A JOB, ON MARS!

RED PLANET –  Good news for the unemployed.! There are no jobs on earth anymore, but they’re hiring on Mars!

Weekly World News recently spoke (via saliva microbial voice translation) to Jeddak Sojak from the Kaor Colony about the job situation on Mars. Sojak told WWN that “there is a great need for skilled employees on Mars. We are expanding rapidly, so there is guaranteed work for at least the next five hundred years.”

Dr. Robert Rinderman, a former neurosurgeon at The Mayo Clinic in Minneapolis, lost his job when the new healthcare bill was passed into law. “The hospital apparently didn’t want us trying to heal sick brains anymore – too costly. And it I was told that my salary was too much for their bottom line, so they canned me.”

The 35-year-old Dr. Rinderman was out of work since March 23 and couldn’t find a job anywhere.  “They keep telling me I’m overqualified, but I’m good at cleaning dishes.  They call me Mr. Sparkle at home.” He tried everything: Monster.com, careerbuilders.com, match.com… he even went door to door and offered to operate on people’s brains at a big discount.  There were no takers. “The economy is just so bad out there. Nobody has any money. Not even for a basic craniotomy.”

Lucky for Rinderman though, he decided to take a hike in the Western New Jersey Desert (it’s small, but has some wonderful sticky sand). He sat down on a petrified rock and… cried from deep in the center of his amygdala over losing his brain job.

His tears fell on the rock (which was placed there by Martians in 579 B.C.) and the tear-vibrations were picked up by Sojak.  “We’ve had a lot of Earth beings crying on our rocks lately. We want to help them out, give back a little. Humans beings have been our experimental mice forever.”  Sojak had Rinderman abducted and brought in for a job interview. And guess what?… He got the job!

Rinderman works all day in an aluminum room keeping track of Martian movements in the U.S.  Rinderman’s territory is Washington D.C. He is charged with tracking the whereabouts of over 3,200 D.C. Martians.  “Most of them are on Capitol Hill,” Rinderman said.

Sojak wants all WWN readers and all unemployed citizens of Earth to know that there are plenty of jobs on Mars.  “Screw Earth. That planet is SO last millennium.  Come to Mars!”

If you are interested in working on Mars, go into the woods, find an old rock, sit down and start crying. The Martians will find you.

OR you can just go to Washington D.C. and ask the nearest Senator or Congressman. They’ll know how to get to Mars.

Good luck!


ALIENS RUN FOURTH BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT

WASHINGTON, DC – The Washington Post unveiled the first installment of its Top Secret America series, revealing that much of America is now being controlled by aliens.

You think you know America, but you don’t know – “Top Secret America.”   This is a closed intelligence community  that emerged after 9/11. It is protected from public scrutiny by extraordinary secrecy.

The much-anticipated investigative series by the Washington Post on the vast post-Sept. 11 counter-terrorism-industrial complex was released over the weekend. It the result of two years of reporting by two-time Pulitzer Prize winner Dana Priest and William Arkin, a veteran national security  journalist.

The article is a must-read for anyone interested in seeing how the U.S. government is trying to protect its citizens from another attack. The series includes an interactive database of the thousands of intelligence contractors from coast-to-coast that are cashing in on the Gold Rush spawned by the attacks on New York and Washington. Most of the programs were launched by the Bush administration, but the series shows that the Obama administration has, for the most part, stayed the course. And aliens are at the central component of Top Secret America.

Among the Post’s more troubling findings: that the “top secret” U.S. intelligence world is largely contracted out to private sector companies full of former government officials. It concludes that this “fourth branch of government” has essentially ballooned out of control in the past nine years, and that it continues to grow, mostly hidden from public view and lacking in thorough oversight. It says an estimated 854,000 people, or nearly 1.5 times as many people as live in Washington, D.C., hold top-secret security clearances.

The most startling revelation is that this new Fourth Branch is being run by aliens, most of whom were originally trained at Area 51, the Nevada military base that the government long denied every existed. In recent years, the government moved the aliens to a base in West Virginia, known as Area 79.  This is where training of the TSA aliens has taken place. Some in the Defense Department were worried about using aliens for counter-terrorism, but after 9/11 there was nothing anybody could do to stop the Bush Administration and their all-out efforts to gather intelligence.  “Everybody was afraid to challenge Dick Cheney.”  One Defense Department insider said.

Unfortunately, aliens have their own agenda – something we will never know, because their brains are far superior to ours. They are now running the Fourth Branch, which the Washington Post reports employees an estimated 854,000 people. The number of aliens running TSA is not known, but insiders say, it is close to 500.

In an off-the-record comment, Defense Secretary Robert Gates was heard saying, “the genie is out of the bottle now. There’s no going back. We can only pray that the aliens will treat Americans with dignity and respect.  It seems to be the case so far, but we don’t know exactly what they are doing or what their plans are for the American people.”

You can read the Washington Post story here. On orders of The Obama Administration the segments about aliens and Area 79 have been scrubbed from all articles, videos and web sites.  Weekly World News will keep this story up as long as we can.


ALIEN IN PHILLY SUFFERS HEATSTROKE

PHILADELPHIA, PA –  As temperatures neared 100 Monday, after hovering the high 90s for most of the week, a Southside alien was taken to Mercy Hospital suffering from  heatstroke.

The Southside alien was spotted this morning near the Buddy’s Pizza.  He seemed to be sleeping on a box of deep dish pizza but when a Tommy Fiori, a ten-year-old, in the neighborhood took a closer look he could tell that the alien was sick.  “I told mamma about the creature on the pizza box, but she didn’t want to leave the air-conditioning.  My papa came outside with his baseball bat, but I told him the alien was sick.”  Carlo Fiori thought that maybe the alien ate some bad pepperoni, but then assumed it had to be the heat.  “I’m boiling my nuts off out here!”  Fiori then called local authorities, who took the alien to Mercy Hospital.

Philadelphia Health Department spokesman, John Grimaldi, urged all humans and aliens to take necessary precautions in the heat.  Grimaldi advised all beings to drink plenty of water, wear lightweight, light-colored loose clothing and limit activity during the day.

The Philadelphia Exobiology Department was sent to the hospital to assist.  Department Head,  Dr. Zach Collins, said his team was doing everything they could to help keep the alien alive. He was also initiating Philadelphia’s  Alien Communication System (ACS) in order to reach all aliens residing in Philadelphia. “It’s important that local aliens seek air-conditioning.”  Collins said the city will open up several public buildings for aliens could use to escape the heat..  This is the city of Brotherly Love and we take care of all those who live here, including our aliens.”  A representative for a local alien group, Philadelphia E.T. (PET), felt that effort was unnecessary. “We’ve been occupying Philly public spaces for decades – particularly the Free Public Library. Aliens are fascinated with learning everything about humans.”

Warning signs for heat stroke include loss of energy, loss of appetite, nausea, light-headedness, and heavy sweating.  The heat advisory for Philadelphia will continue for the next several days. Health officials said that aliens should avoid caffeine and alcohol. Doctors at Mercy Hospital say that the alien that was brought still had the smell of Sabula on his breath.

The alien is expected to make a full recovery.