TIGER BACK WITH ELIN

ORLANDO – The Saga of Tiger and Elin gets weirder.    Exactly one year after the “incident”,  they are getting back together.

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren’s marriage has had many twists and turns.  But even their divorce attorneys were shocked to learn that they were recently spotted kissing while out in their Orlando neighborhood.

There are rumors that Elin has agreed to move back in with her cheating husband.  And the reconciled spouses are not being bashful about showing their love for one another.

An eyewitness, Janet Thompon, told reporters, “They were hugging and they were kissing right out in the open. Elin is certainly a lot more relaxed these days and so is he.”

Another inside source added “People in the neighborhood are getting used to seeing them together again. Perhaps they’ll make it after all.”

Photo taken November 24, 2010

A little Tiger-Elin history.

Elin and Tiger met in 2001 at the British Open at Royal Lytham in England. Elin was working as an au pair to Jesper Parnevik, a Swedish golfer. On November 25, 2003, Tiger (27) proposed to Elin (23) in the South African Shamwari Game Reserve while they were on a romantic walk at sunset. They were there for a safari vacation and slept under the stars after the Presidents Cup.

On October 5, 2004 they were married. The ceremony itself was simple although the rest of the wedding preparations were elaborate and expensive. 500 red roses were imported for the wedding.

Their sunset wedding was held under a white-netted pagoda decorated with red roses on the 19th hole of the Sandy Lane Golf Resort in Barbados. Reportedly, Rev. Ricky Kirton was the officiant at their wedding. The exclusive resort is located on the west coast of the Caribbean locale. The wedding reportedly cost between $1.5 million — $2 million.

November 27 , 2009. Woods suffers facial lacerations in a car crash outside his Florida home after colliding with a fire hydrant and a tree.November 29 . Woods issues statement taking full blame for crash, lashes out at rumors of domestic disturbance. “I’m human and I’m not perfect. Many false and malicious rumors circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.” 

December  2-20.   A number of women come forward with claims of flings with Woods, including a porn star and a waitress. At least 10 women allegedly linked to Woods.

February1 19, 2010. Woods makes first appearance since the scandal broke, apologizing for “selfish and irresponsible” behavior in a statement televised around the world.

On August 23, 2010 Tiger and Elin are officially divorced.  Exactly one month later, it appears they are together again.

They have two children:   Sam Alexis Woods: Born 2007 and  Charlie Axel Woods: Born 2009.

Maybe he realized he’s not going to do much better than the beautiful Elin:

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FARTING MAKES BOYS SMARTER

WASHINGTON – The Center for Education Policy has released the results of a study that proves conclusively that farting raises IQ levels in boys.

Boys have lagged behind girls in school for 20 years. Jerry Jefferson, The Director of the Center for Education Policy, said that “alarm bells” went off and the Center decided to explore every aspect of boys’ lives “to see what could possibly increase their IQ and their interest in school.” The answer: farting.

“”Books suck,” said Matt Kingston, a 12-year-old who only reads what he has to for school. “All boys know that.”  He then popped off a nuclear fart, which impressed his parents and teachers alike.  Grossology expert, Amelia Yunker of Farmington Hills, Michigan said that “the only way to get boys to learn these days is to talk to them in Fart-ese.” Yunker recently hosted a Fart Party that also included an armpit noise competition.  “If we can get the boys farting and belching, we can get their math and reading scores up,”  Yunker said.

Jerry Jefferson said “we are also getting boys to read by releasing books in the Fart Lit genre.” Recently the self-published book, “SweetFarts” by Raymond Bean is a big hit in New York City, where kids simply like to read about farts.  SweetFarts  chronicles a 9-year-old boy’s multimillion-dollar science fair invention of tablets that can change foul-smelling gas into the culprit’s scent of choice: summer rose, cotton candy, grape — even pickles, as requested by his little sister. It climbed to No. 3 on Amazon in children’s humor in October on little more than word of mouth. The sequel, “Sweet Farts: Rippin’ it Old-School,” to be released next month”

Boys outside New York City don’t like to read about farting, they like to do it, and that makes all the difference.  “Reading about farting has some benefits, but if you are actually out there farting all day, that’s what really helps the boys.”  Boys across America are now being encouraged to fart as much as they can, wherever they can and to tell as many fart jokes as possible.

“It may get loud, it may get smelly,  but the education of our American boys is at stake.  I think we can finally get American boys on par with Chinese boys,”  Jefferson said.  “Parents must take this seriously. Teach your boys to fart!”

The Department of Education has released these instructions for boys to practice their farting:

How to fart on command:
1)  Get a pillow and a soft surface.
2)  Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways.
3)  Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anus.
4)  Once you’re relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation…this is air traveling into your colon.
5)  Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down.
6)  Force the air back out… Fart!

Specific farts have been targeted for academic excellence. The Department of Education recommends that boys master these farts for these academic disciplines.

SILENT BUT DEADLY –  FOR FUTURE POLITICIANS
This fart is totally inaudible, yet causes major damage. Good for boys interested in politics..

EGGY FART – FOR FUTURE SCIENTISTS
Smells very much like rotten eggs (hydrogen sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to knock people out.

NIKE FART – FOR FUTURE STUDENT-ATHLETES
This sort of fart which goes “whoosh,” and is more felt than heard.  A little like an SBD, but louder and less toxic.

GROWLING FART – FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day.

THE IS-IT-A-FART FART – FOR FUTURE PSYCHOLOGISTS
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. Then, it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants  Is it a fart or not?

COMPOST FART – FOR FUTURE BOTANISTS
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

BEEFY ONE – FOR FUTURE LAWYERS
Loud, big, bold. Smells like an infected cow and or a mound of diseased dog-turd.

SQUEAKY FART – FOR FUTURE ACCOUNTANTS
Sounds like ‘Wheeek’.  It’s weak, but deadly.

THE EARTHQUAKE FART – FOR FUTURE GEOLOGISTS
Sends seismic ripples across the city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart hurts and anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

THE ESCAPE POD FART  – FOR FUTURE ASTRONAUTS
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs, but smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, everyone starts to cough and splutter.

HYDRATED FLATULATION – FOR FUTURE MARINE BIOLOGISTS
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this one, but you feel right at home in it.

GUNSHOT FART – FOR FUTURE MILITARY OFFICERS
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. Tough. Strong and exceedingly rare.

So boys, go out there and… let it rip!!


SPAIN BUYS THE SUN

MADRID – Spain announced today that they have bought the sun, and will be charging for usage.

After billions of years the Sun finally has an owner — Spain.  The President of the Government of Spain, Juan Luis Zapatero, registered the star with the United Nations.   Our sun now belongs to Spain.
Zapatero told the popular daily Spanish newspaper, El Mundo, that he decided to claim the sun after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our solar system.

There was an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but Zapatero feels that he has to do something to help his country out financially, so he has “purchased” the sun – for nothing..

The Secretary General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-Moon, issued a new international document declaring Spain to be the official “owner of the Sun, a star of spectral type G2, located in the centre of the solar system, located at an average distance from Earth of about 149,600,000 kilometers.”

Zapatero was thrilled that Ban Ki-Moon approved the purchase.  “The Secretary General made the right decision.  If Spain can become economically sound, it will help all of Europe and the rest of the world.   This will really help the well-being of our citizens and make us a major player on the world stage now.”

Spain has not set a fee structure for usage of the sun.   Zapatero said that he would not charge for “daily use” – meaning just for the sun rising every day, but  “Spain will be charging a fee for all crops, all recreational activities and for a large fee for all tans.”

Florida, The Sunshine State, will have to pay a hefty fee to use the sun – as will California, Arizona and New Mexico.


PRINCETON REVIEW: HARVARD IS #1 PARTY SCHOOL

PRINCETON, NJ – Princeton Review’s 2011 list of best party schools shocked students from coast-to-coast. Harvard is #1!

Princeton Review has come out with their list of top party schools for 2011, and to everyone’s surprise, Harvard takes the title for the first time. College students in Cambridge lead the way in party fun. In celebration, The Harvard Glee Club sang “The Camel Drivers” for five hours straight.  Students blew noisemakers all night.

Hard-partying college students around the country are up in arms over the selection.  J.T. Cobb, a senior at the University of Georgia said, “No way, man!!  Harvard is for nerds and dorks and boring people. There’s no way they can out party us at Georgia. No freaking way.”

To prove his party prowess, J.T. put on a gas mask and did a mega bong hit AND a keg-stand at the same time. The Princeton Review, the elite organization that also scores the SATs, gave J.T. only a 620 (out of 800) on his keg stand.  Meanwhile, Charlotte Blackmon of Harvard University, who was valedictorian of her Choate high school class and had perfect SAT scores, also did a keg stand for the Princeton Review judges. Her keg stand earned her a 800.  J.T. complained because he thought the judges were influenced by her exposed butt cheek. You decide. Here’s Charlotte in action:

Harvard President , Drew Gilpin Faust,  was not surprised.  “Harvard has a long history of wild parties. Just last winter we had Scrabble Scramble that was just divine.  “I was bouncing off the walls” said Arthur Goldstein, a freshmen at Harvard.  “I had two oatmeal cookies and a glass of lemonade. I was up until 2 a.m.!”

According to the Princeton Review, Harvard has some of the best “party clubs” in the country. Here are some of the wild events that were happening on campus when the Princeton Review Party Crew visited:

* Ballroom Dance-o-rama
* Shakespeare Sonnet Night with Elena Kagan
* In Vino Veritas: Wine Tasting with Paul Giamatti
* Midnight Squash (Co-ed!)
* Metaphysical 17th Century Poetry Slam
* Corporate Legal Brief Readings – in your briefs!
* Timed Rubik’s Cube Competition
* Afternoon Soda-palooza
* Keg Stand Instruction with Charlotte Blackmon

Harvard students, who are used to being #1 in everything, were ecstatic to hear the news. They want college students across the country to know that they can throw down, too. “I always knew we had the best soirees,” said sophomore Jiddu Balasubramaniu. “There’s a lot of Harvard Haters out there, but we don’t care. We’re better than everyone else… in everything. Forever.”

To celebrate, Harvard students had a Scone and Herbal Tea Party in Harvard Square.  The main attraction:  Charlotte Blackmon doing keg stands.

Here’s Princeton Review’s Top Ten list:

1. Harvard University
2. Bowdoin
3. The Citadel
4. John Hopkins University
5. University of Pierre
6. Bob Jones University
7. Vassar College
8. Glenn Beck University
9. Santa Monica College
10. Georgia Tech

What do you think?