CHINESE TO BLOW UP THE MOON

BEIJING – China is plotting to blow up the moon.

China has embarked on a bold plan to control the world’s weather patterns – and it begins with blowing up the moon with nuclear space missiles.

Wiping out the moon, will affect the United States the most, ushering in brutal temperatures that would ruin our agriculture, experts say.

The wild-sounding Chinese scheme was suggested by five scientists last year at the Chinese Government’s National Scientific Forum.   Hu Jintao dismissed the idea outright, but they presented it again this year and after looking at the overall benefit to the China, Jintao has given the idea the green light.

Chinese astrophysicist, Chan Wang, that the moon’s strong gravitational pull gives the Earth an awkward tilt that causes unfavorable weather patterns over China and favors the United States.  “The United States has benefited from the gravitational forces of the Moon.  We just intend to level the playing field,” said Wang.

The Chinese government said that it would consult with the Obama Administration before sending their nuclear warships to take out the moon.  “We want the whole world to be aware of what we are doing.  We think that in the long run, everyone will benefit from the destruction of the moon,” said a high-ranking Chinese government official.

But NASA officials reviewed the data carefully and feel strongly that the destruction of the moon would bring catastrophic changes to the earth and are strongly advising the Obama Administration to do everything in their power to stop it.

“We are reviewing both sides of the argument,” said White House Senior Adviser David Axelrod.  “The fact is China is offering to forgive our entire debt if we allow them to blow up the moon.  It could be a real economic boon for our country.”

“Who needs the moon?” added Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary.  “It affects the tides and it’s good for lighting the nighttime sky, and poets seem to love it, but we don’t really need it.”

Hu Jinato will be in Washington next week to discuss this issue directly with President Obama.  “But we’re going to blow it up no matter what.  We don’t need America’s approval,” said Wang.

So, enjoy the moon while you can…

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TUNA BOY

NEW JERSEY –  A rare mutation happened to Fred Alan on the way to his Thanksgiving feast.  His head turned into a Tuna!

Last week, Fred Allan, an angler who went missing three miles off the coast of New Jersey, was spotted in Jersey City on his way to a Thanksgiving feast.

Fred sat through his Thanksgiving meal with his family without them noticing that his head was had turned into a tuna. But his family has never paid much attention to Fred.   He left with his turkey leftovers.

It wasn’t until he was walking home when a little boy, Chucky Thompson, saw Fred on the street and screamed, “Your head is a tuna fish!”  Fred quickly put his hands to his head and realized that Chucky was right.  Not only was he shocked to learn he had a tuna head, but also Fred realized that his hands were missing as well.  See:

Fred went to see Dr. Chris Rigaux, a marine biologist who specializes in mutations,  sea water fish and heads.  Dr. Rigaux said that this has happened several times before in Tuna History.  “In 1876 a woman, Janice Ross, went fishing with her son off the coast of Virginia.  They caught some bluefin tuna on their own and were happy for their good fortune.  But on the way back, her son, Robert, realized that his mother’s head had turned into a tuna.

“Thinking that his mother was being attacked by an angry tuna, Robert tried to knock the tuna off his mother’s head with a broken oar.  He killed the tuna, but also bashed in his mother’s skull at the same time.  It was a sad day off Virginia Beach.”

Fred Alan was originally told that if he waited a few days and made sure he did not watch “Deadliest Catch”  –  his head might return to normal.  But now… it looks like he will be half-tuna, half-man for the foreseeable future.

Fred was seen walking around Journal Square in Jersey City earlier today.  He was greeting passengers on the Path train – telling them that the bluefin tuna was in danger of going extinct.  He was not warmly received – and several Path passengers grabbed fishing poles, tried to reel him in.  Though my hook caught him temporarily, he got away.

Authorities fear that an angry Fred may go out and try to attack tuna eaters in Jersey City and across the state.  Nobody has seen him in twenty-five hours.  Is he planning an attack?  Is he in hiding?   Is there enough mayo in town to handle Fred?

WWN will, or course, keep you updated on the whereabouts of Fred Alan – Tuna Boy.


BRAIN-EATING VACCINES TURN AMERICANS INTO ZOMBIES

ALBUQUERQUE, NM –  The U.S. government is using brain-eating chemicals to turn Americans into Zombies.

The mainstream media and the scientific dictatorship of the United States Federal Government is giving Americans brain-eating vaccines and putting brain-eating chemicals into the water supply. These chemicals, whether ingested by mouth or injected through the skin, virtually rewire minds into a state of subservient compliance so that their natural instinct to rebel against tyranny is neutered.  They also make people want to eat more broccoli.

The government is calling these chemicals, Soma, named after the dream-inducing, hallucinogenic drug used in Aldous Huxley’s novel, Brave New World.

Dr. John Malley, professor of neuroscience at the University of California Berkeley, says “the chemicals are intended to impose a state of  calm by altering brain chemistry. It also programs Americans little pea brains into wanting to pay the government in excess of 60% of their weekly, monthly or annual salaries.

This is all ominously similar to George Lucas’s 1971 film, TXH 1138, in which the population is controlled  through the use of special drugs to suppress emotion.

Government scientists feel that it is bad for Americans to get angry (particularly those Americans that live in Red States) and they need to be  “treated” by putting pharmaceutical drugs into the water supply and injecting Americans with vaccines will virtually lobotomize – all of us.

Some radio talk show hosts have claimed that brain-altering vaccines and chemicals matches proposals by some in the Obama Administration to add lithium to the water supply in order to treat mood disorders and anti-healthcare emotions.  These radio talk show hosts will soon be off the air, because the FCC will be re-instituting the Fairness Doctrine.  “These crackpots have to go,” Rahm Emanuel told The Daily Kos.

The Zombies first started appearing today in Maricopa County, Az.  They are targeting Sheriff Joe Arpaio first, then they intend to go after the 70% of Arizonans that support SB-1070, the new Arizona immigration law.  At the same time the Zombies are eating brains, the water supply will be flooded with brain-eating chemicals.  “We’ll get your brain one way or another,” said Science Czar, John Holdren.

In other news, the sun was shining in Phoenix today.  Clear skies, no humidity.

Here’s a talk show host telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth:


AMY-ERIN BLAKELY FIRED FOR HAVING BIG BREASTS

ORLANDO, Fla. –  Amy-Erin Blakely,  was fired from her job because her breasts were too big.

Amy-Erin Blakely filed the lawsuit in an Orange County court on Wednesday and said the harassment at The Devereux Foundation went on for about five years.

Here are the breasts in question:

Blakely managed 900 employees at the nonprofit behavioral health organization that also provides foster and adoptive assistance. Blakely says she worked for the organization in Orlando until she was fired last year after she accused managers of sexual harassment, according to CBS affiliate WKMG.

“It was very humiliating to know that senior members of our management team would focus on my breasts as opposed to my performance on the job,” said Blakely at a Los Angeles press conference Wednesday.

“She also alleges that someone in management talked about how large her breasts were and that she needed to ‘hide them,'” Allred told the station.

Allred has also represented Debrahlee Lorenzana, a New York woman who claimed earlier this year that her employer, CitiBank, fired her because of her sex appeal.

lakely said she complained last spring about her treatment and was reprimanded; she complained again last fall and was fired the next day.

The nonprofit would not say why Blakely was fired.

Blakely said she always dressed professionally, was an exemplary worker and had never before been reprimanded. In fact, she said she was promoted and given raises eight times in 13 years. The 43-year-old had risen to the position of Assistant Executive Director, but claims she couldn’t advance any further because her managers said she was “too sensual.”

In a statement, Devereux CEO Robert Krieder said, “We have not received the formal complaint, which has apparently just been filed with the court today. Ms. Allred has, however, shared details of the allegations and we can tell you that they are purposefully inflammatory, and either spurious or twisted in content and context.”


ROBOT GIRLFRIENDS GO ON SALE IN JAPAN

OSAKA-  Robot girlfriends are on sale now in Japan.  Buy two for the price of one!

The Japanese roboticist Hiroshi Ishiguro, from the Intelligent Robotics Laboratory, has created a small surrogate girlfriend for men (and women).  The Japanese roboticist unveiled his creation in April, but it is now on sale everywhere across Japan in Seiyu (Japan’s Wal-Mart).

The android was originally called Geminoid F, but Ishiguro renamed her Chizuko (which means “the child of a thousand storks”) and is also the name of Ishiguro’s first girlfriend who dumped him for a five-foot tall accountant.  Ishiguro programmed Chizuko to call him, “Stud.”

Ishiguro teamed up with Kokoro Co., Ltd. to create the realistic-looking female android says she was modeled after a woman in her twenties. She has long black hair, soft silicone skin, and a set of lifelike teeth that allow her to produce a natural smile.  Here’s Chizuko with her model:

Chizuko with the girl she was modeled after

When female researchers at Intelligent Robotics Laboratory asked Ishiguro why he didn’t make the female android a thirty-something woman (especially considering Ishiguro is in his late 40s) Ishiguro said, “anybody want some tea?”

Chizuko is friendly, kind, always smiling and only talks when she is asked a question by her “partner” (man or woman). Ishiguro said, “She’d make a great wife for anybody. Many Japanese parents are buying them for their sons.”

The efficient design makes Chizuko easy to produce. She is on sale at Seiyu for 5 million yen (about $50,000) each.  But for this week – and this week only – you can buy one and get one free.  “If you consider how much you spend on a girlfriend over time, it’s a real bargain,”  Ishiguro said.

At a press conference in Osaka, Chizuko spoke to reporters. “It feels great to be alive.  Anybody want a date?”

No doubt it will take time for people to get used to robot girlfriends, but Ishiguro assures everyone that it they are a viable product that he expects to be as big as the iPad. “We’re neurologically hardwired to react to these androids as though they’re human beings. Once you Chizuko walking across a room in her little black dress, you won’t be able to tell the difference between Chizuko and a human female.”

The question on everyone’s mind: can Chizuko have sex?  A grinning Ishiguro said, “You’ll have to buy one and see.”

Ishiguro dispelled rumors that he married Chizuko last week are false. Ishiguro is not a one- android man, he owns twelve of the female androids. “One for each room,” he said.

The female androids will go on sale at Wal-Mart in the U.S. on September 1st.

Here’s Chizuko when she was introduced to the public in April, 2010.