RUSSIAN MEN PREFER RUBBER WOMEN

SIBERIA – Russian men are choosing to spend their time with rubber women rather than real women.

In a trend that is growing across Russia, men are not pursuing women anymore for relationships, companionship or even sex.  Instead they are purchasing rubber women and spending their leisure time with them, rather than trying to find a girlfriend.

“Russian women are too demanding, too  difficult.  It is much easier to go to the store, buy a girlfriend and be done with it,”  said Viktor Kuchin, 29.

It all started near the Ob reservoir (Ob Sea) in Novosibirsk, Siberia. Several men decided to hold a Rubber Woman Party, in which men were invited to come with their favorite rubber woman.  “That was the best party we’ve had in Novosibirsk in ten years.  The men talked about sports and business while the rubber women just stood in the corner. Later, everybody had sex with their rubber girlfriend.  It was a perfect night.”

The women of Novosibirsk, the third largest Russian city after Moscow and St. Petersburg, are not amused.   “Siberian men are sh*t,”  said Anya Goddosky.  “They think that by taking these rubber women to the beach and restaurants and on dates, that women will pay more attention to them. But, we will not. They are clowns. And those rubber women are whores.  Clowns and whores.”

“The women can say what they want, but Siberian men are much happier now,” said Professor Sasha Bondaruk, a psychology professor at the University of Novosibirsk.  “Young Siberian men seem to be getting all they need from these rubber women.  They seem very happy and well-adjusted.”   When WWN interviewed Professor Bondaruk, there were two rubber women in his office.  “Yes, I too have several rubber girlfriends.  Two here and three at home.”   Asked whether he thought he was unusual to have a rubber harem instead of just one rubber girlfriend the Professor said with a smile, “none of them have complained.”

“The best part is that they are inflatable,”  said Boris Pappolin.  “I can carry my girlfriends with me in my carry-on luggage when I go on business trip to Moscow.  It only takes two minutes to blow them up.  Very simple.”  Boris did say that he popped one of his girlfriends after pumping too much air into her backside one night after a party. “I blew too hard.  No problem.  I just buy another one.”

Here’s Boris Pappolin with one of his favorite girlfriends, Katrina.

And here’s another picture of Siberian men frolicking in the ocean with their girlfriends.

Many Japanese men are marrying robot women and now Russians are hooking up with rubber women.  Will these trends catch on in the U.S.?  Well, there have been no reports of men in the United States opting for rubber girlfriends instead of real girlfriends, but the supplier of inflatable women for the American market,  Bishton Inc., said that they are out of stock until June of 2011.


POT ICE CREAM IN CALIFORNIA SCHOOLS

SACRAMENTO –  Gov. Schwarzenegger confirmed that pot ice cream will now be available in all public schools in California.

A dispensary in California is offering three flavors of cannabis ice cream to its patients. The operator of the Creme De Canna in Santa Cruz says it has always been his passion to make marijuana “deliciously amazing.”  Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped by Creme De Canna to look over the operation and was thrilled with the “High Scream” he got to try. “I think that all the children in California should have the opportunity to have this delicious and healthy ice cream.”

Governor Schwarzenegger spent the half the day looking of over the facilities and the other half of the day looking at his thumb and laughing.  “I am the Thumbinator!”  Asked why he would want to put pot ice cream into public schools, the Governor said, “Huh? Yeah, dude. I know.”

Here’s Arnold taking a lick of his high scream:

Marijuana ice cream is not new. As a matter of fact Cheech and Chong first had the idea to make marijuana ice cream in their movie Nice Dreams back in 1981. Recipes have passed back and forth between pot users since the ’60s, and directions for an untold number of flavors abound on the Internet. But this is the first commercial sale of the product and the first time a Governor has mandated that ice cream (of any kind) be placed into public schools.

Since Prop 19 (legalizing marijuana) is on the ballot in November, the Governor feels that he might as well place an order now for the ice cream to “get all the good ice cream flavors, while they are available.”  Flavors offered by Creme De Canna include Banannabis Foster, Straw-Mari Cheesecake and Triple Chocolate Brownie. More flavors were reported to be in the making, including Arnold’s Vanilla Bud.

The pot ice cream sells for $15 half-pints, but California public schools will be getting it for half that price. Each half-pint is about eight joints worth of pot.  “We’d rather have students be high in school, where we can monitor them, then have them high at home with their uptight parents,” said NEA representative Sunshine Bailey.  “And kids will be getting high sooner or later, so we might as well be there to educate them on how to deal with things like the munchies.  It’ll give them a leg up when they go to college.”

And here’s President Obama sampling the product:

I scream, you scream, we all scream for High Scream!

Here’s an early report on Creme De Cana.


900-LB GATOR CAUGHT

SOUTH CAROLINA – A 900 pound gator was caught this week by a Massachusetts woman fishing in South Carolina.

Agnes Martin caught and then killed a 13-foot long gator in Lake Moultrie this week.  Zoologists say that this is one of the most spectacular finds of the decade

WLTC in Charlotte reported that the Massachusetts resident successfully got a permit through South Carolina’s permit lottery system for the one month-long alligator season. “He was right there at the edge of the bank swimming on the edges,” Martin said. She hooked him with her fishing pole and battled for two hours to get him near the boat. In South Carolina, you have to secure the gator and get it to the boat before you’re allowed to shoot it.

It took two hours to bring in the gator that she first hooked with a fishing line. Martin says she will take the meat back home with her. She originally wanted to have the gator stuffed and mounted on the wall of in bedroom, but her husband, George, a shoe salesman in Newton, convinced her to make shoes out of the gator.  “George loves animals, especially when they are dead and on his feet.”

Martin said that her husband plans to make about forty pairs of leather shoes from the alligator.  George will be selling them for about $1,000 dollars a pair.  “I think it’s a great bargain, considering that this was a rare find.”  Martin and her husband will be back in South Carolina next week hunting for more gators.

Meanwhile, PETA is planning a shoe caper for later in the week.

See the video report of the original catch here.


SLIDER COWS

HALIFAX –  Tiny cows are being bred to be slider meat.

The Guinness World Book of Records recently named the world’s smallest cow.  It’s a sheep-sized bovine named Swallow from Rishworth near Halifax.  It measures roughly 33 inches from hind to foot.

After reading about the mini-cow, bovine entrepreneur and cattle farmer Chuck Childers of Waco, TX had a brilliant idea. Since sliders – small, soft and irresistible little burgers served by the half dozen – are becoming popular across America, he thought that he should breed tiny cows to make tiny burgers.  “It just hit me one night like dung on a dog.  If you wanna make a small burger, you gotta use a small bovine.  Makes sense, don’t it?”

Childers went to Halifax and learned more about Swallow from her handlers.  “That Halifax cow is real special.  I loved seeing her. I’d love seeing her even more on my plate next to some of my wife’s special Texas grits.”

There was a time when Americans were put off by the idea of eating a quick sandwich filled with a warm ground beef patty. Americans used to want big, beefy, double-triple burgers, but not anymore.

“We are entering a new Golden Age of The Burger,” according to Josh Popperski, Burger Expert.  “The last great invention in the history of the burger was when Hank Stoller of Des Moines mistakenly dropped a piece of cheddar cheese on the burger he was grilling. His wife scolded him for being a klutz, but still ate the burger and… the rest is history.”

White Castle has been making “sliders” for decades, so it’s a bit strange that they are just catching on nationally.  “I ain’t never been in no White Castle,”  Childers said.  “All I know is that people want to eat six small burgers instead of one big burger. Maybe because people are more health consciousness these days.  I don’t know.  I just want to capitalization on the trend and breed me some slider cows.”

Others Texans are not happy about mini-cows being bred in the Lone Star State.  “This is Texas!  We don’t do tiny cows ’round here,” said Tommy Jessup of San Antonio.  “Everything is bigger in Texas!”

“Not anymore,” said Childers.  “If Jessup wants something big, he should come look at my bank account in a few weeks.  I’ll be swimming in Slider Cow money!”

Childers has been busy breeding miniature bulls with miniature cows for the last few weeks.  He hopes to have some Grade A slider meat on your plates in about ten months.


DOGS EAT GAGA MEAT

HOLLYWOOD – Lady Gaga wore her meat dress out tonight and was attacked by a pack of wild dogs.

Two days after Lady shocked everybody with her meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards, she wore it out again to the hot new restaurant, Red O, on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles.   As she was getting out of her limo, a pack of wild dogs jumped her and ate her meat.

Gaga tried to get away, but the dogs kept biting her meat, tearing it off her. Several of Gaga’s body guards tried to pull the dogs away, but they were bitten on their hands and legs.  The dogs -= two rottweilers, a pit bull and two mutts – were just too wild to control.  Gaga fought the dogs with kicks, screams and a verse from her hit Speechless.   LAPD and Animal Rescue were called and arrived quickly.

The LAPD tased the dogs and they finally gave up on the meat. Gaga, surprisingly, only sustained minor injuries. The dogs ate all her meat, however, and she was left nude on the sidewalk.  Animal Rescue tried to put Lady Gaga in the truck, but her bodyguards stopped them.

Meatloaf, the aging rock star, was seen nearby. Some thought he had something to do with the wild dogs because he was heard telling his plastic surgeon, “I should be the one wearing meat. I’m meatloaf, not her!”

Representatives from PETA also denied rumors that they were responsible for the dog attack on Gaga’s meat. “We don’t like celebrities to wear furs and we certainly don’t like them to wear meat!” Lady Gaga had already explained her raw meat dress, “it’s not a matter of disrespectful to vegetarian persons.” She went on to say that if “we don’t fight we’ll all be meat soon.” She didn’t explain what or who we were fighting.

But as a consolation to PETA, Lady Gaga will be wearing only raw vegetables when she performs in Las Vegas this week. “I think I’ll look good in broccoli,” Gaga said.

Gaga told Ellen on her show that she wore the meat because she wasn’t performing on the VMAs and she didn’t want to let her beloved fans (her “little monsters”) down by being “just another bitch in a dress at an awards show.”   So she went to a butcher in Brentwood and got outfitted.  She said she was even wore  ground beef panties.

And the dogs?  Don’t worry, they are fine.  They will be up for adoption this week.  Several members of LA Animal Rescue said they’d never seen dogs so happy.  “They really loved Gaga’s meat.”

Oh well,  maybe there are some broccoli lovers out there…

Here’s Gaga’ Vogue meat bikini cover:


MAGIC COUGAR BRA

NEW YORK –  Fashion Designer Louise Golden introduces the Magic Cougar Bra at Fashion Week.

There’s a big bra buzz at Fashion Week in New York.  Louise Golden teamed up with magician Criss Angel to create a special bra for women in their 30s and 40s.  When women put the bra and go into a bar, restaurant or club, men in their early 20s are immediately drawn to them.  Women do not have to flirt or wink or glance over at the men with “come-hither” looks.  They just put the bra on and…  men approach.

“It’s a sexual magnet,” said Golden.  “Criss handled every bra and inserted a small piece, made of material we can’t divulge.  Women, and men, would have trouble finding the piece in the bra. It’s small, compact and it’s powerful.”

Here’s another style of the Magic Cougar Bra:

The bra did cause a major commotion at the Louise Golden Runway Show.  When the models strutted down the catwalk in the Magic Cougar Bras, all the twenty-something males in the audience rushed the stage.  They couldn’t control themselves.  “I don’t know what happened,” said Larry Clark, 26.  “I was there as a freelance photographer, covering the event and when the models came out with those bras, I dropped my camera and went on stage.  It was like I was in a trance.”

Five twenty-something men were arrested for caressing the models breasts.  Two of the men had already taken off their pants.

Several fashion executives in the audience were impressed.  “There’s never been a more powerful piece of clothing,” said Marjorie Winegar of Elle Magazine.  “Many designers try to create sexually alluring clothing, but Louise has created something that is guaranteed to work for women.  We can’t praise this bra enough.”

Oprah has already scheduled a show about the Magic Cougar Bra, which will air on September 27th.  “Oprah thinks that this is the greatest bra invention ever.  It’s definitely going to be one of her Favorite Things this year,” said show producer Jenny Jarmain.

Not everyone is pleased.  “This is bullshit,” said Fritz Barnkopf, 39, of Berlin.  “You can’t make a bra that puts men in a trance.  That’s not fair. Women already have an unfair advantage in bars and clubs.”   Barnkopf said he will be working with designers to create Magic Briefs for men.  “Men need the help.  It would be wonderful if men could just put on some boxer briefs, head into bar and walk home with a woman.”  David Blaine is said to be working with Fritz on the Magic Briefs.

It’s not clear what will happen if the Magic Cougar Bar and the Magic Briefs face-off against each other.

Let the games begin…


CASTRO FLEES CUBA FOR AMERICA

HAVANA – Fidel Castro admitted that the Cuban system doesn’t work and hopped a raft for America.

Fidel Castro told an American journalist that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. The former Cuban president made the jaw-dropping comment to WWN.  The ailing Cuban leader’s remarks came almost as an aside over lunch recently in Havana.

“The Cuban model doesn’t even work anymore, and never has,” Castro told WWN.   We were stunned by his comment and were not sure we heard him correctly so asked the interpreter if Castro was, in fact, denouncing the Cuban Revolution and his five decades of dictatorship.

“Yes,” Juanita Hidalgo, Castro’s interpreter said.  “He has rejected the ideas of the Revolution and was acknowledging that the Cuban model is wrong and has always been wrong.  The state should not have a big role in the economic life of this country or any country.”

Castro went on to say that he felt President Barack Obama, was turning America into Cuba.  “He is a dictator, like myself.  But he is growing the government too big.  It will destroy America as a world power.”  Castro went on to denounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for his views on the “Jews.”  He also denounced Mel Gibson.  “The man is a fool.  I ordered my people to destroy all Mel Gibson films in Cuba.  Except Braveheart.  I love Braveheart.”

Castro, faced with the dilemma of renouncing the Cuban government, while still being its de facto leader, decided to hop on a raft and head for Miami.  “He just left the building and had his driver take him to the beach.  He hopped on a raft with about thirty other Cubans looking for freedom,” Hidalgo said.

Castro, though sick for years, still needed five Cubans to counter-balance him on the other side of the makeshift raft.  Cubans lined the beaches and watched Castro and his crew float away toward America.

Raul Castro, Fidel’s brother and the President of the Cuban Council of State, was deciding whether to send the army out to sea to get his brother.  “My brother has lost his mind.  The Cuban way of life is the best in the world, just ask Michael Moore.”   Several reporters challenged Raul on his assertion, but before he could answer the reporters were taken outside and shot.

“Never trust the media. That’s the first rule for any good government,” said Raul.

Fidel Castro is expected to wash ashore in Miami this Saturday.   First one to spot him wins… Gloria Estefan’s latest CD!