THE NORTH KOREAN EGG CRISISPosted: August 29, 2010
PYONGYANG – The Defense Department has learned that North Korea is behind the tainted eggs found in American grocery stores.
Military analysts and State Department officials have determined that North Korean is responsible for tainted eggs found all across American. Kim Jong-il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, confirmed this when he said, “We will destroy your eggs and then we will come after your chickens. Or maybe the chickens will come first. We don’t know. But either way, we win and you lose.!”
A massive egg recall has had consumers scrambling to check their pantries for eggs that might be contaminated with salmonella. Even though the FDA recalled 228 million eggs produced in Galt, Iowa (and distributed to wholesalers and food service companies nationwide), it felt that there was something more sinister going on with the eggs.
“We knew there was something funny going on when we noticed that the eggs had little Korean flags printed on them.” Farmers in Iowa can’t explain how the North Koreans got the eggs into their facilities, but one farmer, Ned Woolfe said, “I told my wife I saw a battalion of Korean army soldiers in the barn, but she didn’t believe me. She never believes me.”
Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton made an announcement today, “North Korea has violated our Egg Space. We condemn these actions and ask that the North Koreans immediately withdraw their eggs.” Asked how she thought the North Koreans could take their eggs back, Clinton said, “That’s their problem. All I know is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”
The North Koreans aren’t backing down and are now threatening to expand their attack on American ovoids. “They are not satisfied with simply spoiling our eggs, they are now going after our egg whites as well. “We’ve found traces of salmonella in cartons of Egg Beaters,” said FDA chief, Fritz Barnkopf.
The White House Staff has gathered in gathered into the Oval Office to war game the North Korean Egg Crisis, but David Axelrod said they hadn’t reached any conclusion. “They only thing we’ve decided conclusively is that it’s really hard to war game when the President is up in Martha’s Vineyard golfing and reading.” Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President is being briefed hourly about The North Korean Egg Crisis and said the President has taken swift action already. “He’s ate oatmeal for breakfast.”
The Weekly World News will crack this Korean egg mystery. All our eggs are in this story basket.