DEVIL PUTS A FREEZE ON BUYING SOULSPosted: August 7, 2010
HADES – The Devil, overwhelmed by people selling their souls, is putting a temporary freeze on soul purchases .
2010 has been a record year for soul selling. “We’re booming! We got contracts lined up back-and-forth across Hades,” the Devil told WWN. “More people than ever are selling their souls, wanting to satisfy all their earthly desires. I don’t even need any helpers anymore, these people are coming to me!”
The Devil began making deals (or Faustian bargains) back in the first century A.D. It’s a simple contract: an individual sells his or her soul to the devil in exchange for earthly favors. Then when that person dies – “your ass is mine.” The “favors” are the usual run-of-the-mill vanities: youth, knowledge, wealth, power, sex and free beer. As Bob Tartaro from Columbus, Oh said, “A lifetime of free beer in exchange for eternal damnation? It’s a no-brainer!”
Even though eternity is a helluva lot longer than the typical lifespan, many individuals are more focused on immediate gratification. “Eternity be damned, I want power now!” said Congressman Anthony Weiner of New York. No, it’s not just Democrats that are selling their souls. “We have 98% of Congress signed up,” said the Devil. “I hope to get to 100% by November.”
There have been some individuals over the years that signed the pact because they acknowledged the Devil as their “master.” The Devil has a name for these souls – “suckers.”
WWN talked to Professor Almaberga Montipedo, a demonologist at the University of Vermont, about the Devil’s temporary freeze. “It’s understandable. The Devil can’t take everybody. There has to be some admission guidelines. If everybody on earth was getting what they wanted, having all their desires come true, then there’d be no suffering on earth, and the Devil just doesn’t like that. It gives him great joy to see people in pain.”
Asked why she thinks there is such a rush on soul-selling in 2010, Montipedo said, “Whenever there’s an economic downturn, people turn to the Devil. It’s an easy fix. Plus, he had a great special earlier this year. He was offering 90 virgins to anybody that signed up. And, you get the virgins when you’re on earth.”
Capitalizing on the freeze, a new web site that has popped up: http://www.devilcontractexchange.com, which allows people to buy and sell their contracts with the Devil. The Devil likes the attempt at trying to get around his freeze, but said “it’s not going to work. I have fire on my side.”
The Devil said the “soul-buying freeze” will be in effect for the rest of 2010. But he’ll be open for business again on January 1, 2011 – good news for American Idol hopefuls!
Fro some reason, musicians seem to be fond of selling their souls. Here’s one of Satan’s favorite YouTube videos about some of his past clients:
And of course, there’s the Crossroads. The Devil is not confirming (or denying) that he made a deal with Robert Johnson. What do you think?