JUDGE ORDERS ALL GAYS TO BE MARRIEDPosted: August 5, 2010
U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker toppled California’s Proposition 8 yesterday. Gays and lesbians celebrated all across the state. Opponents planned to seek a reversal at the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.
The Californians who had no opinion on the Judge’s decision – remained steadfast in being clueless. One apathetic surfer said, “dude, I don’t care about marriage. I’m just glad the dude legalized pot.” The surfer was incorrect, the Judge did not make any ruling about marijuana. Yet…
But Judge Walker didn’t stop at just overturning Prop 8, he had more to say on the issue. “I am a strong believer in marriage. It’s good for everyone and good for the country. Therefore, I am hereby ordering ALL single gay men and lesbians to be married by this time next year.”
Many gays and lesbians were outraged by Judge Walker’s bizarre proclamation. “Why do I have to get married?” said thirty-year-old Val Trinkley. “I’m in my prime. I don’t want to settle down yet!” Val’s current partner, Randall Marcus, turned to Val and said, “Well, that’s news to me, honey. I thought you said I was the one?”
Val and Randall were last seen screaming at each other at a bus stop on Castro Street. Randall was crying – but according to Val, “he’s always crying!”
Many lesbians were happy with the judge’s proclamation. Jillian Yablonsky told WWN, “What a relief. If I know I have to get married, then Susie and I can stop incessantly talking about our relationship and get on with it.” Others feel that the judge is trying to impose his moral values on them. “What’s he going to do next? Order us to have kids?” Actually, the Judge is considering that idea.
WWN reporters were allowed into Judge Walker’s chambers to discuss his decision. Judge Walker said, “Look, parents are always pressuring their kids to get married and, well… I want to fill that role for the gays and lesbians of California. I say to them… What are you waiting for? Get married?!”
When the judge was told that it wasn’t fair to the many gays and lesbians in their teens and twenties, Judge Walker amended his decision. It now reads: “all California gay men and lesbians, over the age of 30, must be married by August 4th, 2011… or else you will receive a severe fine and a severe tongue-lashing from me. What are you waiting for? Get married!”
In related news, several busloads of divorce lawyers were seen heading into California. As one lawyer said, “First comes marriage, then comes divorce, then comes… a big paycheck for me!”
Both sides of the Prop 8 debate agree on one thing: lawyers always ruin a good love story.
“What are you waiting for?! Get married!”