TWINKIES: THE NEW SUPERFOOD!

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Nutrition expert, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, has added Twinkies to his list of superfoods.

Dr. Perricone, an M.D. who is best known for his guest appearances on such television shows as ‘Oprah,’ the ‘Today Show’ and ‘Larry King Live,’ has just updated his list of top ten superfoods. Experts say superfoods help ward off heart disease, cancer, cholesterol, and more.

After three years of extensive research, done in association with the Nutrition Department at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Perricone concluded that, contrary to published reports and common sense, Twinkies are an extremely beneficial “superfood”.   They are the only artificially made food on his recommended list. Twinkies – those light, yellow sponge cakes filled with delectable cream wrapped in packages of two – are now officially a health food!

According to Perricone, Twinkies have a direct Brain-Beauty connection. Twinkies are rich in antioxidants and fiber.  In addition, Twinkies have been proven to lower or help regulate blood sugar levels—an extremely important factor for all of those concerned with slowing the aging process and preventing diabetes, obesity, wrinkles and a host of degenerative diseases.  Here’s how Twinkies specifically fight disease:

* Prevent or reduce inflammation

* Help regulate metabolism and burn body fat

* Promotes a sense of well-being and calm

* Lower total cholesterol

* Lower blood pressure

* Increases smiling

* Help protect against heart disease

* Help protect against cancer

* Helps soothes nerves

* Gives you the sugar fix you need

* Help protect organs from toxins

* Promote digestive health

Many nutritionists are skeptical of Dr. Perricone’s findings.  But he explains, “Twinkies are always fresh and retain their chemical makeup for a long time. These chemical traits transfer to the body when the Twinkie is ingested. Therefore the person eating it will stay fresh and live longer.  Perricone, whose skin looked perfect, credited Twinkies for his “glow.”  He added, “You obviously can’t just eat Twinkies all day and expect to meet your full daily nutritional requirements. But Twinkies must be part of a balanced diet that includes fruits, vegetables and raw steak… then you’ll live a long time, and you’ll always be beautiful.”

Contrary to some internet rumors, Twinkies do NOT grow on trees. Twinkies were invented in 1933 at Continental Bakeries (later renamed Hostess), when they were making cream-filled strawberry shortcakes.  An employee, James A. Dewar is the man credit with inventing the Twinkie.  He strawberries were out of season, the machine making the strawberry cream wasn’t being uses, so Mr. Dewar (a member of the Food Hall of Fame), decided to use banana cream. But, since it was there was no bananas, he had to use vanilla cream instead.  And… Viola!  The Twinkie was born.

In the 1960s, with the threat of nuclear bombs, people stored Twinkies in their bomb shelters – because they stay fresh forever. They have a shelf life of 246 years. Today, with all the potential for nuclear war, people are once again stockpiling Twinkies, especially in lieu of the new research done by Dr. Perricone.

First Lady Michelle Obama, who is leading the governments Anti-Childhood Obesity drive, is now advocating that children eat “five servings of Twinkies a day.  That’s two-and-a-half packets.”  Michelle Obama then held a Deep-Fried Twinkie party in the garden behind the White House.  “Now, we don’t recommend that you deep-fry anything, but when you deep-fry Twinkies they do retain all their vital nutrients. So, fry on kids!”

For you Twinkie lovers, here’s a list of the life-prolonging ingredients in Twinkies:

Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Flour, Reduced Iron, B Vitamins (Niacin, Thiamine Mononitrate (B1), Riboflavin (B2), Folic Acid)], Corn Syrup, Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Water, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable and/or Animal Shortening (Soybean, Cottonseed and/or Canola Oil, Beef Fat), Whole Eggs, Dextrose. Contains 2% or Less of: Modified Corn Starch, Glucose, Leavenings (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Baking Soda, Monocalcium Phosphate), Sweet Dairy Whey, Soy Protein Isolate, Calcium and Sodium Caseinate, Salt, Mono and Diglycerides, Polysorbate 60, Soy Lecithin, Soy Flour, Cornstarch, Cellulose Gum, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sorbic Acid (to Retain Freshness), Yellow 5, Red 40.

Here’s a short history of the All-American dessert:


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THE NORTH KOREAN EGG CRISIS

PYONGYANG – The Defense Department has learned that North Korea is behind the tainted eggs found in American grocery stores.

Military analysts and State Department officials have determined that North Korean is responsible for tainted eggs found all across American.  Kim Jong-il, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,  confirmed this when he said, “We will destroy your eggs and then we will come after your chickens.  Or maybe the chickens will come first. We don’t know.  But either way, we win and you lose.!”

A massive egg recall has had consumers scrambling to check their pantries for eggs that might be contaminated with salmonella. Even though the FDA recalled 228 million eggs produced in Galt, Iowa  (and distributed to wholesalers and food service companies nationwide), it felt that there was something more sinister going on with the eggs.

“We knew there was something funny going on when we noticed that the eggs had little Korean flags printed on them.”  Farmers in Iowa can’t explain how the North Koreans got the eggs into their facilities, but one farmer, Ned Woolfe said, “I told my wife I saw a battalion of Korean army soldiers in the barn, but she didn’t believe me.  She never believes me.”

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton made an announcement today, “North Korea has violated our Egg Space.  We condemn these actions and ask that the North Koreans immediately withdraw their eggs.”  Asked how she thought the North Koreans could take their eggs back, Clinton said, “That’s their problem.  All I know is that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

The North Koreans aren’t backing down and are now threatening to expand their attack on American ovoids.  “They are not satisfied with simply spoiling our eggs, they are now going after our egg whites as well.  “We’ve found traces of salmonella in cartons of Egg Beaters,” said FDA chief, Fritz Barnkopf.

The White House Staff has gathered in gathered into the Oval Office to war game the North Korean Egg Crisis, but David Axelrod said they hadn’t reached any conclusion. “They only thing we’ve decided conclusively is that it’s really hard to war game when the President is up in Martha’s Vineyard golfing and reading.”  Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President is being briefed hourly about The North Korean Egg Crisis and said the President has taken swift action already.  “He’s ate oatmeal for breakfast.”

The Weekly World News will crack this Korean egg mystery.  All our eggs are in this story basket.


EARTH’S SECOND MOON APPEARS!

BUSBY –  Residents of this small Australian town were shocked to see two full moons
in sky!

Tonight, there’s a full moon in Busby, Australia.  Many residents were admiring it when at 1:20 a.m., local time, a second moon rose in the night sky.  Residents couldn’t believe what they were seeing!

Astronomers across the world were alerted to this sighting and have confirmed the existence of a second earth moon.  “We have never seen anything like this before,” said researcher Rich Montano at the University of California, Los Angeles. “There had been some rumors that a second moon was seen over Hong Son, Thailand  in 1967, but it was only seen for a few hours and only in that one location, but now everyone across Australia can see the second moon.  It’s awe-inspiring.”

Residents of Los Angeles, and the rest of the world, will be able to see the second moon with the naked eye as night falls.  Busby residents are out in the streets staring up in wonder at the second moon. “It’s exciting, but also frightening,” said Carol McNulty of Busby. “It’s so beautiful, but what does it mean?  Why did the second moon appear tonight?  Why?”

“End of times” fanatics are already saying that the appearance of a s second moon is signaling that the world will end.  “This was predicted in the prophecy of Nostradamus in the 16th Century,”  said Nostradamus expert Fred Desmarais of Lyon, France. “This is the quatrain he wrote predicting the second moon:

In the sky a second light will rise
Bring back the great King of Angolmois
And with Toulouse, ten years after the shining
Across the earth shall come the great flame”

Demarais said that the rise of the second moons meant that within ten years of the second moon sighting, “the earth will turn into a ball of flame.” He  was on a flight to Busby to speak with local residents and gather more information about this major event.

Others in Australia believe this second moon is a hoax of some sort.  “I bet that magician David Blaine is behind this.  It’s the only explanation,” said Roger McMahon of Sydney.  WWN tried to contact  David Blaine, but he was not available.  He was finishing his second month stuffed inside a refrigerator.

NASA astronomers are studying the second moon carefully.  The powerful Japanese telescope, the Subaru, is also focused on the second  moon.  When asked to explain this phenomenon the head of NASA’s Lunar Science Division had this simple statement, “We don’t know.  We are studying it, but it has us all baffled.”

While NASA astronomers are trying to solve this mystery, go out tonight and look at the second moon!


TIGER WOODS BUYS $30 MILLION BIKINI

PANAMA CITY, FL – Tiger Woods finalized his divorce , then bought this $30 million dollar bikini.  Who’s the lucky girl?

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren officially divorced yesterday in Panama City, Fla., nine months after his middle-of-the night car crash and the subsequent revelations of his numerous infidelities. “We are sad that our marriage is over, and we wish each other the very best for the future,’’ Woods and Nordegren said in a joint statement released by their lawyers.

WWN learned that Tiger Woods then went to a private jewelry dealer in Jupiter Island and purchased this $30 million Susan Rosen designed bikini. Susan Rosen used to be one of the best-kept secrets amongst New York fashion editors, Hollywood Stylists and PGA Golfers.  But the designer rocketed to fame as the designer of history’s most expensive piece of clothing ever made – this $30 million diamond bikini  (modeled by Molly Sims in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit issue).

Fashioned out of 150 carats of flawless white diamonds set in platinum, Rosen’s bikini design made media waves from Singapore to Russia. Included in this group of diamonds are a 51 carat pear-shaped diamond, a 30 carat emerald cut, a pair of 15 carat round cut and a pair of eight carat pear-shaped diamonds. The stones were set in platinum.

Tiger Woods wasted no time in purchasing the bikini. The only question is:  which one of the over two dozen mistresses did Tiger purchase the bikini for? There was some speculation that he was buying it for Elin Nordegren in an effort to immediately win her back, but Tiger Woods’ lawyer, David de Andrade, said that Woods and Nordegren were moving on with their lives.  “They just want to do what’s best for the children from now on,” said de Andrade.

If not Elin, then who did Tiger buy it for? Gloria Allred, the attorney for most of the mistresses, said she knew who the lucky girl was but she wasn’t saying – unless WWN paid her high six figures. She only would confirm that she, personally, was not the recipient.  After a relentless pestering by WWN’s indefatigable Frank Lake, Allred finally said. “Leave me alone, Frank. I’m getting a root canal!”  Frank Lake grabbed the dentist drill and Allred finally gave up some information, “It’s one of three mistresses.”

SO, which of Tiger Woods’ top three will be the proud owner of a$30 Million Bikini?

!) RACHEL UCHITEL: the original Tiger Woods’ mistress. She is a 35-year-old woman with a history of dating celebrities.

Rachel Uchitel

2) JAIMEE GRUBBS:  A cocktail waitress from Las Vegas. She  is the woman who released text messages and voicemails from Tiger Woods, and she also appeared on Tool Academy on VHI.

Jamie Grubbs

3) JOSYLN JAMES: A porn star who also goes by the name of Veronica Siwik-Daniels, she bragged about having an affair with Tiger on her Facebook page.

Josyln James

There is some speculation that Tiger may have bought the bikini for Molly Sims. She had been dating Aaron Eckhart, but she’s single now.  And the bikini already fits.  So, If the bikini fits…

Molly Sims

FRESHMAN 15 NOW FRESHMAN 50

SAN ANTONIO – Medical researchers have determined that college freshmen will gain, on average,  50 pounds.

The term “Freshman 15” describes a phenomenon in which college students (mostly girls) gain weight their first year attending a college or university. This is mostly attributed to the severe lifestyle changes experienced by incoming freshmen.

But new research done by the University of Eastern Texas has revealed that average poundage gained by freshmen has increased dramatically over the years.  Because of the  sedentary lifestyle of most teenagers (and college freshmen) and because of the high-calorie diets in most dining halls, freshmen at college campuses across the country should expect to gain 50 pounds, on average, this year.

Typically the first semester at a college or university is a transitional period for a college freshman, where they break apart from the rules of their parents to become self-sufficient young adults.  Without parental guidance, a college freshman is able to go as they please, do what they please, drink and eat what they want, when they want. And they want a lot, all the time!

Here are a just a few causes of the Freshmen 50:

* Lack of exercise
* Eating late at night
* Keeping unhealthy snacks on hand (in the dorm room)
* Lack of athletic sex
* Eating unhealthy cafeteria food
* Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol
* Too much Red Bull
* Not eating regular meals
* Watching too many vampire movies/TV shows
* Too much texting (causes fat fingers)
* Binge drinking
* Not enough Vitamin F (fruit)

Medial researchers at UET have news for those freshmen who think “not eating” will be the cure for the Freshmen 50.  “If you don’t eat, your metabolism will slow to a crawl and you will gain even more weight,” said Dr. Rose Blanton of UET  Medical Center. “We advise all freshmen to eat three healthy meals a day and to drink small amounts of vodka instead of large amounts of beer. And if you must smoke pot, make sure that the only food in the immediate vicinity is raw vegetables.”

Girls are more susceptible to the Freshman 50 than guys. Some blame genetics for the ability for girls to gain more weight than boys. Freshman girls tend to pack on the extra pounds in different locations around their body including their hips, thighs, breasts, butt, eyelids, cheeks and stomach. Males tend to mostly gain the weight around the waist and armpits.  But guys, you will gain weight according to the medical team at UET.

Regular exercise is the biggest weapon against fighting the Freshman 50. Working out helps tone muscle, and running helps burn fat and calories.  At the school gym, students can run or walk on a treadmill, ride a exercise bike, or other aerobic machines to help burn fat with cardio workouts. Other options include lifting weights to turn fat into muscle.

That’s all good, but according to medical researchers at UET, there really isn’t much freshman can do. “You can exercise more, you can eat right, but you’ll probably still gain 50 pounds,” said Blanton. “It’s just the way it is.”  But Blanton does have some brighter news for freshmen. “The good news is that come sophomore year, the weight usually falls off.  So just enjoy your freshman year, which I like to call  The Year of Flab.”

Good luck, freshmen!


KHLOE KARDASHIAN PREGNANT WITH ALIEN BABY

LOS ANGELES –   Khloe Kardashian revealed on her reality show tonight that she was impregnated by an alien.

The reality TV star who married Los Angeles  Lakers, Lamar Odom, in September 2009 after a whirlwind romance, admitted on the premier of her show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, that she wants to have a child and was worried about being able to conceive.

She said: “It’s in God’s hands, and let it happen when it happens. I’m 26. It should happen naturally. I don’t want to force it. I would love to have a baby, and if I get pregnant, I get pregnant. I don’t think, like my biological clock is ticking!”

However, Khloe’s husband – who has a 12-year-old daughter, Destiny, and eight-year-old son, Lamar Jr. ,with ex-girlfriend Lisa Morales – does not share the same view.  Khloe  said he wants to have a baby “right now.”

Lamar said, “The clock is running down, there’s five seconds left and we have no more time outs.  Let’s get this done!”  When Khloe said that maybe they should call Kobe Bryant because “he’s good at finishing the game” Lamar said, “I can finish strong. Now get in that bedroom. I’m gonna shoot, I’m gonna score!”

No luck.

So since they were having trouble, stepfather, Bruce Jenner (a certified alien) contacted his friends on Planet Zeeba. On the show Khloe said, “Bruce got in touch with them and… the next thing I know there was an alien in my house and today, I woke up pregnant!  Lamar and I are so excited.”

Khloe wouldn’t say how the alien impregnated her and would not say whether Lamar was involved or not, but… the alien sneaking out of her house looked very happy.  The alien would not speak to WWN, but Bruce Jenner said, “Every birth is a miracle. And this baby is going to be… out of this world!”

The alien baby will be born in about two months (aliens have shorter gestation time).   After that the baby will be taken to Planet Zeeba to be programmed (and de-programmed).   Jenner said, “they have a special Kardashian Abduction Center,  so we expect things to go smoothly up there on Zeeba.

According to Jenner, if the baby is a boy, he’ll be playing for the Lakers in sixteen years.  If it’s a girl, she’ll be pregnant in sixteen years.

We wish Khloe, Lamar, and Kree (teh alien) all the best.

Here’s a promo from the E show, highlighting Khloe’s morning sickness.  No mention of Kree… but he doesn’t mind.  He scored.


STUDY: 1 IN 5 AMERICAN TEENS IS A VAMPIRE

A new Pew Research Poll reveals that 19% of American teens are vampires.
In a national  survey of those ages 12-17, conducted on landline and cell phones, the Pew Research Center’s American Life Project found:

* 24% of teens ages 12-17 say they have trouble sleeping at night.
* 29% have panic attacks when they are out in the sun
* 18% smell like lavender
* 19% have fangs
* 39% have bedrooms painted black.

The Pew Research Center’s conclusion:  19% of all American teens are vampires.

With the vampire craze at full boil due to the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, many think that this vampire fixation is just a fad or trend.   But it’s not.

More teens today are, in fact, vampires. Professor Chris Rigaux, Professor of Vampiric Studies at Harvard was not surprised by the findings.  “Vampires have lived among human beings for centuries.  Many vampires become dormant in their adult years, but when they are teens – they are fully evolved.  I think this study falls in line with my research.  More and more vampires are revealing themselves to the public.”

Most parents don’t mind that their teens are vampires.  “Whatever. I was a teen once.  If she wants to suck blood from boys (or girls), that’s up to her.  We used to suck on bongs.  It’s a generational thing,” said Missy Bonderson,41, of Asheville, North Carolina.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not alone,” said Casey Shotz, 15, of Minneapolis.  I know from birth that I was a vampire.  I had my first fang before I had my first tooth.”   Todd Larkin, 16, of Portland, Maine said, “I have a never-ending hunger that can’t be filled, no matter how much mortal food I consume; I stay up until the sun rises and I hate going outside. Am I vampire? I don’t know, will you let me suck on your neck?”

Some teens claim to be “super-vamps”.   Isabella Thompson, 14, of Reseda, CA told WWN, “garlic and silver have no effect on me, it’s a myth. I hate going in the sun, and I hate doing religious things.”   Jessica Cox, 16, of Plano, TX said, “I never feel weak, scared, or drained. I’m really strong. When I see blood, something inside me just comes to life. I love meat, especially rare steak. I have never broken a bone, nor been injured severely at all, apart from some stitches and a cracked fang. ”

What should parents do if their teen is a vampire?  “Leave them alone. Don’t go in their room.  Don’t upset them,” said Professor Rigaux.  “The best way for adults to handle this situation is let their teen vampires be teen vampires.”  Asked whether he thought vampires were a threat to the safety of Americans, Rigaux said, “Well, I’m a vampire myself, so I’d say no, we are not a threat at all. But if there’s a blood shortage, look out.”

Considering 1 in 5 teens are vampires, of course the other 4 in 5 are jealous and want to be part of the “in” crowd.  But they won’t ever be real vampires.  You have to be born a vampire.  So they are left with just trying to “look” like vampires.

Here a popular video on how to look like a vampire (for those teens that aren’t):

Are you a vampire?