FIREMAN TAKES ON CHICAGO RIVER MONSTER

Chicago, IL — Last night a brave South Side fireman took on the Chicago River Monster, who had been dormant for the last fifty-seven years.

The 200-ton reptile that first terrorized Chicago residents back in 1953 emerged again last night. The monster would have done millions of dollars of damage and may have cost a number of lives, if it weren’t for a brave firefighter who stood up to the monster on his own with a fire gun.   Alvin Johnson, who had just joined the CFD a year ago rushed in to lend a hand.  The battalion captain had advised all of his men to stay back and they were going to call in the National Guard.

With no regard for his personal safety, Johnson ran to a water pump, got the controls and started unleashed a torrent of water on the monster.  “I didn’t think about it.  If I did, I would have run away, too.  My adrenaline was pumping and I just got to the controls and let that ugly monster have it,” Firefighter Johnson said.  Some baby boomers that were familiar with the Chicago River Monster though Johnson was incredibly brave, others thought he was incredibly stupid.  “He could have got torn to pieces.  That boy had no sense,” said Sheila Bourelly.  “I ran home, locked the doors and prayed. That is one nasty monster.”

Weekly World News spoke with fifteen witnesses who say that the water from the fire hose only agitated the monster more, and the monster smashed a pier and a bridge. But Johnson persisted.  “I wasn’t gonna let that ugly thing get the best of me.  No, sir.”   Johnson kept at it and after forty minutes the monster went back into the water.  Local authorities think the monster may be in Lake Michigan now, but they can’t say for sure.

The Chicago River Monster was first sighted back in 1953 when Dolores and Fred Williams were on a stroll following their thirtieth wedding anniversary. They saw the monster rear it’ head out of the water.  They tried to run, but the monster grabbed them and tossed them at a nearby building.  At least they died together.

Firefighter Johnson will be honored at a ceremony next month and will receive the “Fireslayer of the Year” award.  He also received a call from President Obama who is thankful for him protecting his hometown city.

Many local residents are still on edge.  The Chicago River Monster has been dormant for a long time, but once he’s awakened, there’s no telling what he will do.  At least Chicago residents will be comforted to know that Firefighter Johnson is ready to take on the monster again.

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