ALIEN IN PHILLY SUFFERS HEATSTROKE

PHILADELPHIA, PA –  As temperatures neared 100 Monday, after hovering the high 90s for most of the week, a Southside alien was taken to Mercy Hospital suffering from  heatstroke.

The Southside alien was spotted this morning near the Buddy’s Pizza.  He seemed to be sleeping on a box of deep dish pizza but when a Tommy Fiori, a ten-year-old, in the neighborhood took a closer look he could tell that the alien was sick.  “I told mamma about the creature on the pizza box, but she didn’t want to leave the air-conditioning.  My papa came outside with his baseball bat, but I told him the alien was sick.”  Carlo Fiori thought that maybe the alien ate some bad pepperoni, but then assumed it had to be the heat.  “I’m boiling my nuts off out here!”  Fiori then called local authorities, who took the alien to Mercy Hospital.

Philadelphia Health Department spokesman, John Grimaldi, urged all humans and aliens to take necessary precautions in the heat.  Grimaldi advised all beings to drink plenty of water, wear lightweight, light-colored loose clothing and limit activity during the day.

The Philadelphia Exobiology Department was sent to the hospital to assist.  Department Head,  Dr. Zach Collins, said his team was doing everything they could to help keep the alien alive. He was also initiating Philadelphia’s  Alien Communication System (ACS) in order to reach all aliens residing in Philadelphia. “It’s important that local aliens seek air-conditioning.”  Collins said the city will open up several public buildings for aliens could use to escape the heat..  This is the city of Brotherly Love and we take care of all those who live here, including our aliens.”  A representative for a local alien group, Philadelphia E.T. (PET), felt that effort was unnecessary. “We’ve been occupying Philly public spaces for decades – particularly the Free Public Library. Aliens are fascinated with learning everything about humans.”

Warning signs for heat stroke include loss of energy, loss of appetite, nausea, light-headedness, and heavy sweating.  The heat advisory for Philadelphia will continue for the next several days. Health officials said that aliens should avoid caffeine and alcohol. Doctors at Mercy Hospital say that the alien that was brought still had the smell of Sabula on his breath.

The alien is expected to make a full recovery.

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