TONOPAH, NEVADA — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided to work for a male brothel in Nevada, part of a new campaign strategy to serve “all Nevada voters.”
Senator Harry Reid is in a tough re-election battle with Tea Party Candidate Sharron Angle. The latest Rasmussen poll shows Angle with a 46% to 43% lead over Reid. So Reid is pulling out all the stops to win over Nevada voters.
The Shady Lady Ranch is located 31 miles north North of Beatty, and their motto is “a Gem in the High Desert.” In January of this year, The Shady Lady hired the 25-year-old “Markus,” Nevada’s first male prostitute. Markus, a former porn actor said he didn’t “discriminate based on race, color, creed, ethnicity, or skin tone.” He did leave out gender. The 71-year-old liberal Reid said he would not prevent any registered voter from using his services. He also said that his experience ramming bills through Congress would help him get in the mood for the job.
In March of this year, Markus quit The Shady Lady because he only had ten paying customers over the two-month period. Senator Reid is confident he will “crush” Markus’s record.
Senator Reid will be working at the Shady Lady during the August recess. Bobbi Davis, who co-owns the brothel with her husband, said that Senator Reid has already booked thirty-three clients. Reid, who will be going by the name Phil Buster when at the ranch, has already been trained by his co-workers – Rio, Angel, Veronica and Sadie.
The Reid campaign was thrilled to make this announcement because just yesterday they lost the vote of a dead woman. It was disappointing because the deceased typically vote heavily for Democrats. The family of the recently deceased Charlotte McCourt, an 84-year-old Nevada woman who was once a supporter of Reid, and helped in his election bids, followed her wishes and urged Nevadans not to vote for Reid in the upcoming election. The obituary read, “Please, in lieu of flowers, vote for another more worthy candidate.”
Reid hopes that he can win over all sexually active Nevadans and is confident that his stint at Shady Lady as a gigolo will help propel him to victory. If he fails to perform up to expectations, he intends to blame it on George W. Bush. When Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was told of Harry Reid’s plan and asked if she would be stopping by to support him in his efforts, the Speaker ran screaming from the Capitol. She is currently listed as “missing.”
Here is Price Sheet for Phil Buster (Reid).
40 minutes $200.00
40 minutes with the lights on $500.00
One hour $300.00
One hour with the lights on $650.00
Two hours $500.00
Two hours with the lights on $1,000.00
Couples parties starting at $1,200.00 an hour. One hour minimum.
Over night stay starting at $3,500.00
Viagra not included.
Registered Republicans please note that prices will be doubled.
Sharron Angle has already declined an offer for “free” services. Here is Reid’s first booked client. Misty:
PIMA COUNTY, AZ – The U.S. Department of Interior has released a Chupacabra into Arizona in an attempt to get them to repeal their new immigration law.
After the U.S. Justice Department filed suit Tuesday against Arizona on Tuesday, Secretary of the Interior, Ken Salazar had the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service released the Chupacabra or “goat sucker” into a Saguaro National Park in Pima County. Salazar, acting on orders from President Obama, said, “We are encouraging Arizonans to repeal their immigration law before it goes into affect on July 29th, or we will be release more Chupacabras into Arizona towns, cities and Home Depot parking lots.”
Upon learning of the release of the creature into her state, Arizonan Governor Jan Brewer was defiant, “Bring it on! We’ve dealt with aliens, monsters and mutants in Arizona for the last fifty years – especially since Don Imus moved into the state. Arizonans don’t scare easy. The feds can send in a Bigfoot Army if they want, we will take them on. And we will win!”
White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, told Wolf Blitzer at CNN, that the U.S. government will use “any means necessary” to get the people of Arizona to comply with U.S. Immigration Laws. When Major Garrett of Fox News pointed out that the Arizona seems to be in compliance with existing federal immigration laws, Gibbs shouted, “Chupacabra! Chupacabra! Chupacabra!”
There is a good deal of mystery surrounding the Chupacabra. Some believe the Chupacabra (much like Immigration Reform) is a myth – something that never has or never will exist. Some witnesses believe the Chupacabra to be a small half-alien, half-dinosaur, others think that he is a tailless vampire with quills running down its back; and still others have believe him to be a panther like creature with a long snake-like tongue.
State authorities advise Arizona residents to avoid making any contact with the Chupacabra. Federal authorities, on the other hand, advise Arizonans to approach and pet the Chupacabra.
In related news, Governor Jan Brewer found a horse’s head in her bed when she returned home on Tuesday night. Authorities have not determined who placed the head in the Gornenor’s mansion, though one eyewitness said he saw Rahm Emanuel riding a donkey nearby.
MALIBU – Surfers at Zuma Beach were shocked to see a mermaid, especially when the mermaid is Halle Berry!
The Malibu High Surfing gang was out early this morning: smoking weed, eating granola and riding gnarly waves. After beating up some eleven-year-old tourists who were trying to learn how to surf (“These are OUR waves, dude!”), they came in to tell each other how good they looked in their wet suits.
That’s when Taj Jett (19) saw something big and orange on the shore. “Dudes, look there’s something big and orange over there.” The surfers put down their combs and long boards and ran to the edge of the water. When they got there, their jaws dropped. “Duuuuuuudes, that’s a chick,” said Nico Bartz (18). “That’s not just a chick, dude, that’s Halle Berry!” Taj said as he ran around in circles on the sand.
Loka Swenson (17), introduced herself to Berry and said, “Dude. Did you know you have fins?” Halle Berry pulled herself up. “I’ve always been a mermaid. It’s just a little secret of mine.” A topless Berry than set up on the beach. “Right on,” said Loka. “Awesome,” said everybody else. Taj elbowed Nico in the ribs, pointed at Berry’s breasts and said, “Dude.”
Berry managed to pull her way to the berm and away from the stoned surfers. In the tall grass she transformed back into… Halle with legs.
Surfer Matthew McConaughey came to the beach. After beating up several eleven-year-old tourists who were trying to learn how to surf (“These are OUR waves, dude!”), he went over to talk to Berry. She told McConaughey that she came ashore in the morning because she was “tired of keeping secrets. I want everyone to know the truth.” MConaughey agreed with her and told her, “I got a hair transplant.”
Berry, now back to her full woman form, walked to her Porsche and drove off. The Malibu High Surfers have been talking about it all day, wondering if they really saw the mermaid Halle Berry or not. They set a record for saying “dude” in one day. Ten thousand.
Meanwhile, Matthew McConaughey spent the day in the ocean, trying to turn into a merman. A merman with a hair transplant. At last report, he was still… just a man.
Hurricane Chris is working on a new song: ‘Halle Berry (She’s So Mermaid).” Here’s the smash YouTube video of Halle dancing to his last song. Look closely, you can see a little bit of her fin.
NEW YORK, NY – You like leather ladies? Well, The Midnight Cowboy, the hottest gigolo in town, is waiting for your call.
He’s back in New York City for one month only and he’s aiming to please. Cowboy, whose real name is Buck, has a bovine head and a smoking hot male body. He’s known as the greatest male prostitute to ever work in New York City. No more waiting, Ladies… the Cowboy has come home.
Buck is technically a bull (an uncastrated adult male) not a cow, but he didn’t like it when people called him Bullboy.
Buck originally hails from Crystal Lake, Illinois and grew up on The Scott Ranch, well-known cattle breeders. The owner, Spike Scott, often experimented with cross-breeding. In 1970, Spike bought a dairy cow named Betsy and thought there was something special about her. He decided to mix his own “DNA” with Betsy’s and… Buck was born!
He attended schools in Crystal Lake, but was kicked out of high school for eating the school lawn.
Buck was popular with everybody in Crystal Lake, especially the girls. They loved the fact that the only word he could say was “moo.” But Buck still felt like an outsider and decided to mosey to New York City where he knew he wouldn’t stick out.
Unfortunately, the first person Buck met was an imp named Ratso, who quickly took advantage of Buck’s popularity with women. The imp became Buck’s pimp and…the rest is history. Buck became known as The Midnight Cowboy and always had a herd of women waiting to see him. “He’s got a great nose and great skin,” said Morgan Larkin, 35. “But what really turns me on is the fact that he’s a great listener. I can talk for hours and he doesn’t even blink.”
“The only thing that bothers me about Buck is that he chews my plants,” said regular client, Sandy Nixon. “But he’s a great cuddler and nobody nuzzles like Buck. Nobody!” Buck usually has to drink a bathtub of water on every “call” but women don’t mind because, as one longtime client said, “he’s hung like a bull.”
Buck finally got away from Ratso in 1995 and has been living on a dairy farm in Sweden ever since. He’s been divorced three times – he married a woman, a heifer, and a woman heifer. Before coming back to America, Buck stopped in Pamplona for the running of the bulls. He was running with the bulls and from the bulls.
KONA, HAWAII – Weekly World News has confirmed that Megan Fox married her longtime love Brian Austin Green in Hawaii on June 24th. WWN also confirmed that she is still a man.
Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee, and was encouraged by his parents to dress in women’s clothing and to pursue his dream of becoming a supermodel and actress. Mitchell legally changed his name to Megan in 2003, but his parents still use his birthname. Darlene Fox told WWN, “We’re so proud of Mitchell. He wanted to become the world’s most beautiful woman, and to one day walk down the aisle in a wedding gown and he’s done it.”
Darlene went on to say that she doesn’t’ feel like she’s lost a son, but rather she feels like she’s gained a daughter and another son. Green feels like the luckiest guy in the world because he’s gained a wife and a brother on the same day.
Fox and Green started dating in 2004, but split in February 2009 after a two year engagement – right after Megan announced to the world at the Golden Globes that she was a man. But within a few months they had reconciled and Green, 36, popped the question again to Fox, 24, on June 1, 2009. Green said that even though Megan is a man, she is still more beautiful than anyone on the planet and “you have to make compromises in marriage.” Megan is ecstatic that Green has accepted her and embraced her maleness. “I’m more in love with him now than I was in the beginning.”
Fox wore a plain strapless Giorgio Armani wedding dress – simple, yet elegant. One guest overheard Fox saying she thought she looked like Alan Alda in her wedding gown. Alda did not attend the wedding, but he did say that Megan looked much better in a wedding gown than did Corporal Klinger from M*A*S*H. “It’s not easy for a man to look good in a strapless gown, but Megan really pulls it off.”
Rumors that Fox had a 16-foot train put on her gown because she was born with a two foot lizard tail are not true. The investigative team at Weekly World News proved the Foxtail story to be completely bogus.
The wedding reception at the Four Seasons was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the intimate group in attendance. Megan gave a humorous and touching Best Man speech and then tossed her garter. The couple’s first dance was to a new version of a Michael Bolton classic entitled, “When A Man Loves A Woman Who Is A Man.”
Green and Fox met on the set of the sitcom, Hope and Faith, which became their honeymoon mantra.
Rhinebeck, NY – Bill Clinton threw a wild bachelor party last night for his future son-in-law, Marc Mezvinsky. Chelsea Clinton wasn’t happy.
Bill Clinton insisted on throwing a bachelor party for his future son-in-law, over the strong objections of his beautiful daughter, Chelsea. But when Bill wants something, Bill gets it. And what he wanted was… girls, girls, girls!
The former President brought in seventy-five strippers, pole dancers, and contortionists to the “whipped-cream” themed party held for Marc Mezvinsky at the Veranda House in Rhinebeck. Marc was reluctant, but Bill told him, “You’re a Clinton now son, so you have to embrace the Clinton traditions.”
Mezvinsky informed Bill that Chelsea was taking his last name, “She’s dropping the Clinton entirely, sir.” A naked Bill Clinton stood up, dropped the stripper off his lap and punched Mezvinsky in the face, “The hell she is! She’s never taking your name, unless you run for President or she runs for President, then she’ll take your name, but that’s just because the moron voters of America like it that way. She’ll always be a Clinton. Now go get me some more grain alcohol”
Clinton did a fuzzy navel jell-o shot off a half-naked bartender, but she scolded him. “My navel isn’t that low, Mr. President.” Al Gore showed up at the Bachelor Party with a gaggle of massage therapists. During the party Gore had several happy ending massages. He also had happy ending pole-dances, a happy ending game of pool and a happy ending coat-check. As a gift to the groom, Gore wanted to personally give Mezvinsky a happy ending, but Mezvinsky was too busy trying to keep Gina Gershon from pulling his pants down. Gershon was at the party as a “favor” to Bill.
Surprisingly, Hillary Clinton decided to attend. “Why should Bill and Marc have all the fun?” Hillary, dressed as a stripper, was rolled out in a cage. She did a burlesque striptease for her future son-in-law, who tried to look away, but James Carville held his head in place. “Look at your mother-in-law. You try and tell me that ain’t the next President of the United States!”
In an incoherent and rambling speech, Bill Clinton said that he was giving Marc a nickname. “Everyone calls me Bubba, so I think it’s only fitting that Marc have a similar name. From now on you’ll be known as Boo-Boo. We’ll be Bubba and Boo-Boo. Now go get me some weed!”
The lowlight of the night was when George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush showed up and did The Full Monty for the crowd. But Hillary couldn’t take her eyes off W. “I think I’m in love. Either that or I’m in hell.” After Bill passed out cigars to all the guys, the party quickly got out of hand and… well, WWN can’t reveal everything that happened but a lot of girls are going to be saving their blue dresses.
Some pictures from the bash:
BELGRADE – A Bosnian man claims he is being targeted by aliens after a sixth meteorite strikes his house.
Radivoke Lajic, 50, first came to international attention in 2008, shortly after the fifth meteorite crashed into the roof of his house in the northern village of Gornji Lajici. And now, another rock has hit the roof of his house – making it six strikes since the plague of meteorites began in 2007. Experts have no idea why Lajic is being targeted.
Lajic has his own explanation. “I don’t know what I have done to annoy them but they are out to get me.” Lajic’s neighbors say he’s also said that red bunny rabbits have been out to get him and that characters on the popular U.S. drama “Law & Order” are sending him threatening messages.
Lajic, who usually wears tin-foil on his head, has reinforced the roof on the house to protect it from the alien bombardment. He funded construction by selling one of the meteorites to a university in the Netherlands. This caused quite a stir in Holland, “who’s the imbecile who spent all that money on a rock?” said Professor Gerg Durgman of the University of Limburg.
“They are playing games with me. I don’t know why they are doing this. I can’t sleep because I know they will throw another meteorite at me.” Lajic said. “It’s all their fault.”
Weekly World News has been communicating with the aliens through Mel Gibson. The aliens tell a different story. “He started it! Some of our aliens were in Belgrade and wanted to see the Nikola Tesla museum when this nutcase started throwing rock at them. It’s his fault!”
Lajic said that he’s never throws rocks, unless he drinks non-fat milk. “That milk makes me want to throw things. But I would never throw a rock at an alien, I’m not a moron.”
Aliens, however, have confirmed that Lajic is, in fact, a moron. “The guy has an IQ of 57. So, until he stops throwing rocks at our people in Bosnia, we’re going to keep chucking meteorites at his house.”
Lajic says that the meteorite strikes only happen when it’s raining. “Some of our Bosnia aliens thought that the rain would scare Lajic more,” said an alien through Mel Gibson. “But the guy still doesn’t get it. So we’re just going to have throw meteorites in all kinds of weather.”
Surprisingly, the meteorites haven’t been all bad for Lajic. “They’ve brought happiness to my family, as we’ve met different people from around the world,” he said. “And I have had so many visitors that I plan to make a small museum in my back garden.”
As soon as Lajic finishes his museum and garden, the aliens plan on hurling their biggest meteor at him yet. “I think this guy has rocks in his head,” said one Bosnian alien.