AFRICAN-AMERICAN AIRLINES

DALLAS –   Tyler Perry made an offer to buy American Airlines.  They accepted.  The new airline:  African-American Airlines.

The Texas-based AMR Corporation, the parent company of American Airlines, announced that the company filed petitions for Chapter 11 reorganization in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Southern District of New York, “in order to achieve a cost and debt structure that is industry competitive and thereby assure its long-term viability and ability to continue delivering a world-class travel experience for its customers.”

WWN has learned that wealthy actor-director Tyler Perry has made an attractive offer for American Airlines.  The offer, said to be near $5 billion dollars, was quickly accepted by the airline.

Perry, the creator of the “Madea” character and the “House of Payne” sitcom, plans t0 rename American Airlines – African-American Airlines.  The new Perry run airline will be targeted to African-American passengers, but industry experts say that many white passengers will want to fly the airline, “just to be cool.”

American Airlines says the sale to Perry is in the best interest of  the company and its shareholders.

Perry said he will not only be the CEO of the new airline, but he also will be the CFO, the CIO, the director of human sources and, of course, he will be the pilot on many AAA flights.

American said it is operating normal flight schedules, honoring tickets and reservations, and making normal refunds and exchanges.

Tyler Perry reportedly said he will slowly implement new changes.  “I want every flight to be a positive experience for passengers and I hope to turn every flight into a morality play of sorts.”

How will Perry turn a flight into a morality play?  “He hasn’t figured that out yet, but there will be a Madea character on every flight,” said Perry’s driver.

This will be Perry’s first airline, but sources say he plans to buy an airline every year for the next twenty years.


NASA DESTROYS PLYMOUTH ROCK

PLYMOUTH, MA –  Confused NASA scientists obliterated Plymouth Rock with a laser-guide missile.

NASA announced yesterday that they would be launching a manned asteroid mission by 2025, seeing their plan as a way to explore the asteroids as stepping stones to Mars.  They named the new mission the “Plymouth Rock Killer” because of the potential to learn enough about asteroids so that we could destroy them if they threaten to devastate our planet.

The Obama Administration endorsed the manned asteroid mission.

But, because of the massive cut-backs at NASA, communication between NASA and the Defense Department got confused and NASA scientists inadvertently ordered the U.S. Air Force to destroy Plymouth Rock.  Within ten minutes, the small rock that was resting peacefully in Plymouth Harbor, Massachusetts was obliterated with a laser-guided missile.

At the time, several tourists were taking pictures of the small rock, which had been in its location since 1920.  “My brother was making faces at me when I was trying to take the picture, and then all of a sudden, there was a flash of light and the rock disappeared, ” said twelve-year-old Jimmy Burton.  “The rock was gone.”

Other tourists thought it was a terrorist attack, but NASA quickly shed light on the situation.  “Oops. Sorry, we made a mistake,” said one NASA official.

Plymouth Rock had been a national treasure since 1620.  During the rock’s many journeys throughout the town of Plymouth numerous pieces of the Rock were taken, bought and sold. There was only 1/3 of the top portion left.  that was until NASA got there signals crossed and turned it to dust.

“Houston, we have a BIG problem,” was the response from Plymouth Mayor Lori Bazmotti, who couldn’t believe that NASA would take out the cherished national rock.  The Mayor said that NASA could never replace the iconic rock but that if the Obama Administration sent the town $100 million dollars and 5,000 jobs, “all will be forgotten.”

The top NASA executives were unavailable for comment. They were all busy at an Islamic outreach summit in Copenhagen.  Under orders from President Obama, NASA leaders were telling Islamic leaders about all the wonderful scientific achievements that Muslims have accomplished over the centuries.  In turn, the Islamic leaders were telling NASA about all their wonderful accomplishments.  “It was like old friends getting together and telling each other how proud we were of each other.  It was a lovely day,” said NASA Administrator, Charles Bolden.

Speaking about the destruction of Plymouth Rock, White House Press Secretary  Robert Gibbs told reporters that “It was just a little old rock. We need new symbols in the country anyway.”  Gibbs then held up a golf ball.  “This is the first golf ball President Obama hit after being inaugurated.  We’re going to send this to Plymouth.  They’re gonna love it!”

Fore score.


CHEMTRAILS OVER ARIZONA

TUSCON –  Mysterious chemical agents are being sprayed over Arizona by the federal government.

These chemtrails, which scientists say contain barium, aluminum salts, thorium, and bozobonium, have been released across the Arizona skies.  Professor Marco Maridakis, of the University of Phoenix, said these chemtrails seem to only affect the 70% of the Arizona population that supports SB-1070.  “These are a new kind of chemtrails, called SmartChems (smart chemtrails), which are designed (and programmed) to attack certain members of a population.  They seek out their targets and…  surgically spray them.”

Citizens of Arizona are reporting nausea, vomiting and a general feeling of disgust… which is quickly followed by elation and adoration for the Obama Administration.  In the last 24 hours the support for SB-1070 has dropped to 49%.   Arizona expert, Lady Gaga,  predicts that number to be “less than zero” by tomorrow.

If you are not familiar with chemtrails, they are different from contrails (condensation trials), which are artificial clouds, visible trails of condensed water vapor made by the exhaust of aircraft  engines.  Chemtrails are not  the common forms of aerial spraying such as crop dusting, cloud seeding or aerial firefighting.  Chemtrails are aerial trails caused by the systematic high-altitude release of chemical substances, resulting in the appearance of supposedly uncharacteristic sky tracks.   Sometimes they look like bunny rabbits.

“The federal government is getting back at us for trying to keep our state safe from the illegal immigrant invasion. They’re trying to kill us off!” said Chris Carpernteria of Flagstaff.  “But it’s not going to work.  We got gas masks being shipped in from all parts of the country.  We’re going to fight the government. We’re going to live, dammit, we’re going to live!”

Chris Carpenteria was admitted to Walgreens Hospital in Flagstaff.  He died shortly after.

WWN contacted Janet Napolitano of Homeland Security, who vehemently denied that the government was targeting Arizona citizens with chemtrails.  “We would never do anything to harm the citizens of our country. We support Arizonans, one thousand percent.”  Napolitano was in Rosarito, Mexico when she made this statement.  She was meeting with the Mexican Army, planning an invasion of Arizona.

There are many who doubt the mere existence of chemtrails, but William Makepie of Grand Canyon Village had a warning for chemtrail deniers.  “That’s what them skeptics said fifty years ago, when there was nothing but a bunch of farmland here.  Then, Truman sprayed us with chemtrails in the 50s and it obliterated everything, blew this big hole in the ground, making what I call Grand Chemtrail Canyon.  Millions died right here.”  Makepie is a history professor at the University of Arizona.

Are there chemtrails?

Check out the killer chemtrails:

Here’s a leading biological weapons scholar, Prince, talking about Chemtrails


QUEEN LATIFAH TO REPLACE QUEEN ELIZABETH

LONDON – In a stunning move, Queen Elizabeth has given up her crown to… Queen Latifah.

Queen Elizabeth II has grown tired of all the British pomp and circumstances, “the royal bullshit,” as she calls it, and has announced that she will be giving up her crown.  She is the third longest ruling monarch in the 1,200 years of British History. She was crowned Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the Commonwealth on February 6, 1952.  And now… she’s done.  ‘I’m bloody sick of it all.”

Queen Elizabeth’s son, Prince Charles (62), was the heir apparent, but the Queen didn’t want him to be King.  “He’s a wanker. I don’t want him anywhere near the crown.”

Queen Elizabeth shocked her British subjects when she announced that she has officially adopted Queen Latifah and officially disowned Charles.  Queen Latifah will be flying to London with her long time partner, Jeanette Jenkins, who is  happy to be an official Princess. They recently attended the wedding of Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz and were vacationing in nearby France.  Prince Charles is now looking for work as a shepherd in Northern Ireland. Prince William and Prince Harry are both ecstatic about the switch.   Prince Harry said, “I’m down with it.  The new queen is as… bad as a mutha.”

Queen Latifah made a deal with Queen Elizabeth to turn the crown over to Prince William when he turns 35 in 2017.  In the meantime, Queen Elizabeth recently gotten into hip-hop and rap and wants to “give that a go.”  She feels comfortable rooting for the “Jersey Nets’ and is working on her first hip-hop album with her band, The E Crew, entitled, “Union Jack and Coke.”

Queen Latifah I is planning on having a blow-out bash at Buckingham Palace on September 2nd.  Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Alicia Keys and 50 Cent will all be performing.  She is requesting that David Cameron step down as the Prime Minister and is pushing for Russell Brand to take over. She also replaced the Buckingham Palace Guards with a hip-hop dance squad, called The Queen’s Gs, but they still will change at noon every day.

Queen Latifah’s first speech to her subjects was one word:  Unity.


DEVIL PUTS A FREEZE ON BUYING SOULS

HADES – The Devil, overwhelmed by people selling their souls, is putting a temporary freeze on soul purchases .

2010 has been a record year for soul selling. “We’re booming! We got contracts lined up back-and-forth across Hades,” the Devil told WWN. “More people than ever are selling their souls, wanting to satisfy all their earthly desires. I don’t even need any helpers anymore, these people are coming to me!”

The Devil began making deals (or Faustian bargains) back in the first century A.D.  It’s a simple contract: an individual sells his or her soul to the devil in exchange for earthly favors. Then when that person dies – “your ass is mine.”  The “favors” are the usual run-of-the-mill vanities:  youth, knowledge, wealth, power, sex and free beer. As Bob Tartaro from Columbus, Oh said, “A lifetime of free beer in exchange for eternal damnation? It’s a no-brainer!”

Even though eternity is a helluva lot longer than the typical lifespan, many individuals are more focused on immediate gratification.  “Eternity be damned, I want power now!” said Congressman Anthony Weiner of New York.  No, it’s not just Democrats that are selling their souls.  “We have 98% of Congress signed up,” said the Devil.  “I hope to get to 100% by November.”

There have been some individuals over the years that signed the pact because they acknowledged the Devil as their “master.”  The Devil has a name for these souls – “suckers.”

WWN talked to Professor Almaberga Montipedo, a demonologist at the University of Vermont, about the Devil’s temporary freeze.  “It’s understandable. The Devil can’t take everybody. There has to be some admission guidelines. If everybody on earth was getting what they wanted, having all their desires come true, then there’d be no suffering on earth, and the Devil just doesn’t like that.  It gives him great joy to see people in pain.”

Asked why she thinks there is such a rush on soul-selling in 2010, Montipedo said, “Whenever there’s an economic downturn, people turn to the Devil.  It’s an easy fix. Plus, he had a great special earlier this year.  He was offering 90 virgins to anybody that signed up.  And, you get the virgins when you’re on earth.”

Capitalizing on the freeze, a new web site that has popped up:  http://www.devilcontractexchange.com, which allows people to buy and sell their contracts with the Devil. The Devil likes the attempt at trying to get around his freeze, but said “it’s not going to work.  I have fire on my side.”

The Devil said the “soul-buying freeze” will be in effect for the rest of 2010.  But he’ll be open for business again on January 1, 2011 – good news for American Idol hopefuls!

Fro some reason, musicians seem to be fond of selling their souls. Here’s one of Satan’s favorite YouTube videos about some of his past clients:

And of course, there’s the Crossroads.  The Devil is not confirming (or denying) that he made a deal with Robert Johnson. What do you think?


JUSTIN BEIBER TAKES ESTROGEN, HAS BREASTS

ORLANDO –  Justin Bieber, taking estrogen pills to avoid puberty, now has breasts!

Justin Bieber takes estrogen pills’ so that he can avoid puberty and retain the sweet, pop sound of his voice.   He also wants to keep his current singing range.  The Biebz has been on estrogen since last November and was hiding the fact that he was growing breasts.  “We were duct-taping his chest every day, so that nobody would notice his breasts, particularly the big nipples he has.  Man, I love his nipples,” said Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun.

There have been many rumors on the internet about Bieber.  People say that Bieber:

1)  smokes pot

2)  has syphilis

3) is seeing Megan Fox

4) French-kissed a Canadian goose

5) punched Chuck Norris in the groin

6) has only one testicle

7) is dead

8) is a Hobbit

9) is from Planet Zeeba

10) is Barack Obama’s son

ALL of these rumors are false, though they may be true to some degree.

But WWN has learned that Bieber, who was just nominated for a VMA award, has been taking estrogen pills for the last year and now has fully developed.  The picture above was taken by WWN crack photographer, Moses Blue.  It clearly shows that Bieber not only has breasts, but that he’s not ashamed to flaunt them.

R&B star, Usher, and rapper Ludacris have both been seen sucking on Bieber’s breasts.  “Man, that white boy has some fine tasting titties,” Ludacris told WWN.   “They taste like money,” said Usher.  Bieber proudly pointed out that there have been times when Usher and Ludacris have sucked on his breasts at the same time.  Bieber likes it when they do that.  Or does he?  He said, “Baby, baby, ohhh… like baby, baby no.”

Bieber’s concert in Orland last night was delayed for an hour because Bieber was having too much fun backstage squeezing his virgin breasts.  “Snap, I just learned it was national breast-feeding week and I think it’s so totally cool that I can breast-feed myself now,”  Bieber said.  “That’s tight.”

Bieber is talking to Playboy about appearing in the magazine, but he’s just going topless.   Scooter Braun dashed the hopes of many Beiber-maniacs when he said that the Playboy half-spread won’t be happening anytime soon.   “It will have to be after he’s 18 or when he’s a 36DD – whichever comes first.”

Here’s The Biebz with one of his breast-suckers,  Ludacris:


SHARK WEEK KICKS OFF ON JERSEY SHORE

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ – Sharks celebrates the new season of Shark Week on the Jersey Shore.

Dun, dun… dun, dun… Shark Week is back on the Discovery Channel!  The channel introduced a live “Shark Cam” at 12:30pm ET today.  A great white shark, anxious to become a reality star, kicked off the week in a big way by going after the cast of Jersey Shore.

Snooki got away from the shark (but not the cops), but The Situation and JWoww were not so lucky. The great white actually came ashore and grabbed The Situation as he was about to put more hair gel on his head.  JWoww was busy telling fans how to be a guidette when the great white snag her.

The Great White, who nicknamed himself The Schmoop, thrashed around with the two Jersey Shore stars in his mouth for  about half-hour, delighting both Discovery fans and MTV fans alike.  He then chewed them both up and spit them out.  Governor Chris Christie and New Jersey Italians celebrated the demise of the Jersey Shore stars by setting off fireworks and by giving The Schmoop a GPS locator to help him find DJ Pauly and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast.

The Schmoop, who spoke through a Shark Translator (Fonzi), told fans what the initials G.T.L.T., often used on the show, meant:   Guido Tastes Like Tuna.

Here’s some Shark party supplies if you want to celebrate The Schmoop and Shark Week.

Here’s a Shark Attack Survival Guide:


CHELSEA CLINTON WEDDNG CRASHED

RHINEBECK, NY –  Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was crashed by celebrities, aliens and a dictator.

Chelsea Clinton’s lavish wedding to her longtime beau, Marc Mezvinsky was interrupted by several prominent wedding crashers who managed to get past the Secret Service.

Somehow Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn got into the wedding.  “We didn’t even notice them, they just blended in,” said Agent Steve Barnes of the FBI.  “They were dancing up a storm and Vaughn even gave a beautiful toast to the bride and groom.”

Ahmadinejad was recognized by Secret Service, but after patting him down and asking for his identification, the Secret Service determined that he wasn’t a threat.  “Even though Marc is Jewish and Mahmoud wants to wipe Israel off the face of the earth, we really didn’t see any problem with letting him in.  He does a wicked Macarena.”

Two aliens seemed to come and go as they pleased.  They took full advantage of the open bar, but they were very disappointed to learn that Chelsea was a vegan. One of the aliens spoke to Frank Lake of WWN, who also crashed the wedding, and said “When we come down to earth we want to eat meat.  What is this with all this vegan crap, and gluten-free stuff.  What the hell is going on down here with food?”

Michael Jackson made a brief appearance, grabbed one of the guest’s baby and dangled it from the balcony of the beautiful estate.  He sang a beautiful rendition of  “Blood on the Dance Floor,” and then disappeared.

Kanye West was the most difficult of the wedding crashers.  He was kicked out by the Secret Service but just when Chelsea was about to say her “I Do” to Marc, Kanye grabbed the microphone and told the guests that Beyonce would have been a better bride for Marc.  “Nothing against you Chelsea girl, but Beyonce has a much better body.”  Secret Service agents rushed over, grabbed Kanye and beat the auto-tune out of him.

No illegal immigrants were allowed into the wedding.  When President Obama learned of this outrage, he vowed to sue Hillary, Bill, Chelsea, Marc, Rhinebeck, the State of New York and… the State of Arizona.  “I hate that state,”  Obama said.

President Obama gave Chelsea and Marc a Chevy Volt as a wedding gift (but they won’t be getting the government refund).

What did everyone wear?  The bride wore a strapless Vera Wang dress, the groom wore a Christopher Bailey tux and Bill Clinton… went commando.

Here’s a couple more pictures of the crashers:


PAUL MCCARTNEY AT THE WHITE HOUSE – LENNON APPEARS

WASHINGTON, DC –  Paul McCartney was “In Performance at the White House” and… John Lennon showed up!

Paul McCartney went to the White House last month to accept the Library of Congress Gershwin Prize for Popular Song. An all-star concert was put on for the President, the First Lady and distinguished guests.  At the end of the performance, the crowd witnessed a miracle when the ghost of John Lennon stepped onto the stage.

Bits and pieces of the PBS concert were leaked on YouTube over the past month, but Lennon taking the stage was kept under wraps. The White House didn’t want to admit that there was a ghost in the White House, even though President Obama has often mentioned that he sees Richard Nixon in the broom closet every now and then.

Weekly World News is working on getting the videotape of Lennon receiving the Gershwin Award with McCartney.

The show opened with a speech by President Obama. “It’s hard to believe that it’s been nearly half a century since four lads from Liverpool landed on our shores and changed everything overnight.,” Then it was time for an A-list of  rock stars (Jack White, Stevie Wonder, Dave Grohl, Elvis Costello, EmmyLou Harris) to pay homage to the catalog that “earned McCartney this honor.” That’s when the lights began to flicker.

After Paul McCartney accepted the award he said, “As a great admirer of the Gershwin’s songs, I am highly honored to be given this Gershwin Prize by such a great institution as the Library of Congress.” That’s when all the lights went out.
As the lights slowly came up, the guests saw Lennon float onto the stage and grab hold of the award.  “I can’t take it anymore,” he said.  He turned to a stunned McCartney. “You think you would be standing here without me?  You’d be back in Liverpool teaching piano to school boys. This is our bloody award.”

“And you never liked Gershwin!”  Lennon added.

McCartney fainted, the audience gasped.  President Obama, however, was unfazed. He walked over, gave Lennon a big hug (though it looked like the President was just hugging himself – again). Lennon then took the microphone and told the audience that he was (and still is) the soul of the songwriting team. “I’ve heard all the songs Paul has written since I left the planet and there’s not one song that I can stand listening to.”  Jerry Seinfeld, who was in attendance, tried to stand-up for McCartney, but Lennon told him to “go eat a glass onion.”

Yoko Ono was not there –  not in body, nor spirit.  This was good news to McCartney, who finally pulled himself together for the big finale, “Hey Jude.” Lennon didn’t approve of the song choice and cut it off.  Lennon then lead the crowd in a version of his classic song, “Imagine.”

“Imagine if he were still alive,”  a teary-eyed Stevie Wonder said, “Imagine.”

When the song ended, Lennon waved his arms to the crowd, “I am a Walrus” and disappeared.

As John faded off into the night, some in the audience said they thought they saw him walking arm-in-arm with the ghost of Linda McCartney.

All you need is love…

Here’s “Hey Jude” before Lennon appeared:


TONY ROBBINS: THE MONSTER IS BACK!

NEW YORK, NY –  Americans haven’t been able to give their money to Tony Robbins since his  last book/CD in 2006, but the giant is awakened.   He’s back for more!

The filthy rich, self-help guru and motivational speaker, Tony Robbins, who turned 50 this year, is in need of more “personal power” because it’s been a while since he got Americans to give him their money.  He’s back on track now with a prime-time NBC show, and he hopes to get rich and happy by selling more books, CDs and seminars to people who want to learn how to get rich and happy and who want to…  “have a breakthrough!”

Robbins, whose book Awaken The Giant Within (1992) was a best-seller, actually became a real giant, due to his overactive thyroid. His face and hands are overly large and he’s now a foot taller than Yao Ming.  Small children tend to run away screaming when they see the Robbins Monster.  Robbins says these children “have pea brains and lack a strong inner core.”  But he still wants them to take his seminars.

On each weekly edition of his reality show, the gigantic Robbins tries to help different people who are in “crisis.” On one show he flies by private jet and limo to help Ron and Marie Stegner of Bohemia, NY.  Ron lost his job and invested their savings in a business venture that failed, and now they spend much of their time arguing about how to put their life  back together.  Who better to help than Robbins?  He tells Ron and Marie that all will be better if they just give him the rest of whatever money and belongings they have left – then, and only then, will they be able to regain their inner strength and… “have a breakthrough!”

Sheila Maloney of Kansas City, MO watched an episode with WWN.  When the show ended Sheila said, “He’s got the best teeth in the world! I want teeth like that. Big, white teeth. Can I get them?”  WWN told Sheila that Robbins has promised everyone who takes his weekend seminar that if they had the “passion” they could leave the weekend with big, white teeth.  “Guaranteed.”   Sheila went to the weekend seminar but was hospitalized after she got third-degree burns on her feet when attempting to walk on hot coals.  Robbins said that Sheila “wasn’t focused.”

Robbins latest book that he wants you to buy in order to make your life better – right now! – is entitled  Inner Strength: Harnessing the Power of Your Six Primal Needs.   Here are the primal needs as outlined in the book.

1) The need to give money to Tony so he can buy more houses.
2) The need to give money to Tony so he can eat in better restaurants.
3) The need to give money to Tony so he can meet more celebrities and politicians.
4) The need to give money to Tony so he can get divorced again.
5) The need to give money to Tony so that he can be more famous than Jesus.
6) The need to give money to Tony so that he can tell you to give him more money.

It’s bound to be a best seller, because Oprah loves it!

Here’s some of Tony’s quotes.  Study them carefully, use them as daily mantras.  If you don’t feel more powerful after using them on a daily basis , then there’s something wrong with your inner core  and if you sign up for Tony’s seminars whatever is wrong with your inner core can be fixed.

From the gigantic brain of Tony Robbins:

– “If you can’t, you must. If you must, you can”
— “It’s not knowing what to do, it’s doing what you know”
— “If you’re down, then you can go up, because if you’re up you look down.”
— “Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.”
–“If you think you’re small be big, if you think you’re big then get small.”
–“Buy low, sell high, get high sell low!”

What are you waiting for?  Get off your butt and put some Tony in your life!

Here’s a taste of Tony.  If you like what you see, send him money:  If you don’t like what you see… send him money.   Have a breakthrough!


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